I've got to warn you…this is another one of those personal "mommy posts" so if you're just here for the crafting you might want to skip this one...
Please do not copy & paste any of my content without prior permission, pictures of Samster & Sophie are strictly prohibited. Links to my post however are always welcome!
Through writing this blog for the last couple of years I've come to learn that often when I'm faced with something complicated chances are there are a lot of others out there feeling the same way. For some reason or another, be it pride, embarrassment or not being able to articulate how we feel we don't share these things with our friends & family. We keep it in & just assume it must be something "wrong with me".
What I want to talk about today is one of those subjects, but even with this one I'm on the hesitant side about putting it out there, but in the end I truly know (insanely hope) that I am not alone in this & perhaps by speaking up about it I can feel a little better about myself & maybe you will too…
I want to talk about moms on pills. I'm talking pain pills & anxiety meds in particular. (For you guys who have been with me for awhile you know my stance on taking anti-depressants for postpartum depression, they can be life saving, but I'm not talking about that) I'm talking about the everyday stresses of motherhood, or even just being a woman, that can seem too much to bear.
Perhaps some back story would help…For those who don't know I have a 4 month old daughter, Sophie, who doesn't share my mindset as to why sleep is so incredibly awesome. At most she'll do one 4-hr stretch during the night followed by waking at least every 2 hrs the rest of the night. She's also not the greatest napper but even when she does nap that's some of the only time I have to give my other beautiful girl, my 2 yr old daughter Samantha. My day goes something like this…
7a - Sam wakes up just as Sophie & I are dozing off from her 6a feeding
7:30a- Fix Sam breakfast, change diapers, set Sophie up to play. Drink coffee.
8:30a- Sophie gets cranky & goes down for morning nap. This usually takes about 15 min to do & she'll sleep for around an hour. During said nap I get Samantha & myself ready for the day. Bonus points for a quick shower.
10a- Sophie is up & it's time to head out the door…usually it's a playdate or gym class for Sam. Other days it's the necessary errands…Target, grocery, mall…pack the diaper bag with necessities including snack & juice cup for Sam. Diaper changes too (I don't think I need to tell you how stressful errands with 2 small children are do I?)
11:30a- Feed Sophie baby food, hopefully I remembered to pack it this time
12p - Feed Sam & myself
1p- Head home if not there already so Sam can nap (fingers crossed, she'll nap about 3-4x per week)
1:30p - nurse Sophie, get her down for nap
2p- If Sophie has actually stayed asleep I'll try and get some laundry done (or take a sneak at my blog) If Sam is not napping I'll have to get her situated with an "activity." (aka TV show)
2:30/3p Sophie is up, diaper changes all around
3p- 2nd cup of coffee, entertain both kids and try to stop checking the clock. This is by far the suckiest part of the day
4p- Hooray, it's time for Oprah which means the countdown till Dad is done working officially begins!
4:30p- nurse Sophie
5p - start cooking dinner, stop halfway through to put Sophie in baby sling since she still needs an evening catnap. Finish cooking while wearing Sophie.
5:45p Dinnertime
6:30p Watch kids while Dad cleans kitchen, feed Sophie dinner
7p Bathtime. Once Sophie gets older I suppose I'll have a break here because Daddy does bathtime but for now I usually jump in the shower (because I probably didn't get a chance to in the morning) with both kids & dad gets them out one at a time & puts them in pi's
7:30p We all climb in bed, Sam watches Dora, Soph sits on my boob as I attempt to stuff her one last time in hopes of sleep & Daddy gets back on his laptop to finish working
8p - Daddy puts Sam to bed & I put Sophie down
8:30p - Daddy finishes working & I contemplate having marital relations, watching a DVR'd show, working on blog or going to sleep since the clock is now ticking until the kids wake up & it all starts over again
7:30a- Fix Sam breakfast, change diapers, set Sophie up to play. Drink coffee.
8:30a- Sophie gets cranky & goes down for morning nap. This usually takes about 15 min to do & she'll sleep for around an hour. During said nap I get Samantha & myself ready for the day. Bonus points for a quick shower.
10a- Sophie is up & it's time to head out the door…usually it's a playdate or gym class for Sam. Other days it's the necessary errands…Target, grocery, mall…pack the diaper bag with necessities including snack & juice cup for Sam. Diaper changes too (I don't think I need to tell you how stressful errands with 2 small children are do I?)
11:30a- Feed Sophie baby food, hopefully I remembered to pack it this time
12p - Feed Sam & myself
1p- Head home if not there already so Sam can nap (fingers crossed, she'll nap about 3-4x per week)
1:30p - nurse Sophie, get her down for nap
2p- If Sophie has actually stayed asleep I'll try and get some laundry done (or take a sneak at my blog) If Sam is not napping I'll have to get her situated with an "activity." (aka TV show)
2:30/3p Sophie is up, diaper changes all around
3p- 2nd cup of coffee, entertain both kids and try to stop checking the clock. This is by far the suckiest part of the day
4p- Hooray, it's time for Oprah which means the countdown till Dad is done working officially begins!
4:30p- nurse Sophie
5p - start cooking dinner, stop halfway through to put Sophie in baby sling since she still needs an evening catnap. Finish cooking while wearing Sophie.
5:45p Dinnertime
6:30p Watch kids while Dad cleans kitchen, feed Sophie dinner
7p Bathtime. Once Sophie gets older I suppose I'll have a break here because Daddy does bathtime but for now I usually jump in the shower (because I probably didn't get a chance to in the morning) with both kids & dad gets them out one at a time & puts them in pi's
7:30p We all climb in bed, Sam watches Dora, Soph sits on my boob as I attempt to stuff her one last time in hopes of sleep & Daddy gets back on his laptop to finish working
8p - Daddy puts Sam to bed & I put Sophie down
8:30p - Daddy finishes working & I contemplate having marital relations, watching a DVR'd show, working on blog or going to sleep since the clock is now ticking until the kids wake up & it all starts over again
Also add to that meal planning, grocery shopping, feeding pets, vet appointments, pediatrician appts, house appts, attempting to have a sex life, losing baby weight….you get the idea now? Oh yeah, & this is a 7 day a week ordeal. There's no "weekend" for moms.
After doing this for the last 4 mths I started to notice some physiological changes in myself & my life.
My husband was getting grumpy because on several occasions he's had to wear black socks with his sneakers because there was no laundry done, he wasn't (isn't) getting any, he's also sleep deprived, he often gets his head bit off because his wife was already teetering on the edge without him leaving his dirty clothes on the floor again & really, he misses the fun girl he married.
The kids actually seem ok, I try very hard not to let my short fuse come out against them. Although poor Sophie could really use some sleep training but I just don't have the energy to keep that up for a week or two.
The dogs are actually losing weight because I often forget to feed them. (this could be kind of good thing since they're both about 20lbs overweight)
And then there's me…
To say I feel "stressed" is an understatement. I'm passed stressed, I'm numb. It's hard to get excited about the things I love when I rarely have time to do them. Heck, I just want to be able to blow dry my hair once in awhile, to feel pretty about myself. You spend all this time in your 20's focusing on you…your looks, your career, your love life. When you become a mom you lose a lot of that, you're a machine who spends her entire day focused on THEM. Yes, it's wonderful & awesome & I love my children more than life itself but right now, while they're little, it's pretty darn tough. I can think of several times when Sam is having a tantrum & wakes Sophie up right as I was finally about to eat something that I just want to sit on the floor & cry right along with my fist-pounding 2 year old.
So put the emotional effects aside, I'm knew to expect those, after all I've been a mom before, this is my 2nd kid, I started noticing some physical changes. I started waking up in the morning with my jaw feeling like I had chewed bubblegum all night. I saw my dentist & had a nightguard made but all that did was keep my teeth from being ground up. The stress was now not only causing me to walk around with my shoulders up around my ears all day but it was spilling into staying in that tightly wound ball of stress all night.
I also noticed that I, who had never been a big drinker, had started drinking. Every night. As soon as 5 pm (once in awhile 4p, isn't that happy hour somewhere?) came around I popped a bottle of wine. The problem with that (besides the obvious) is that I really shouldn't drink. A glass or two & I always get a vicious migraine. So now on top of everything else I'm having to take migraine medication 4-5 times a week. I would say that was the tipping point for me, I found myself nauseous every morning from the migraine the night before & it was all for a glass of wine. (although be it a very cherished glass of wine since it was the only release from the stress)
I had an upcoming OB/GYN appointment so I decided to talk with my doctor (who I very much trust) about my options. I knew I wasn't depressed since I had experienced post partum depression after Sam was born but I also knew that the anxiety from daily stress was getting out of control. I needed some help.
I was surprised with how nonchalantly she suggested taking Xanax. She said it was something that I could take "as needed" & it was not uncommon at all for her patients to need "something" to help with the stress while they're not getting any sleep. She said once Sophie starts sleeping through the night & becoming more independent I'll feel refreshed & be able to handle everything better. She even went as far to say that many people in her office have to take anxiety medication every day & it's perfectly fine. In all honesty my first reaction was complete relief. Finally someone was going to help me. But as I left her office, beloved prescription in hand, my feelings changed. I felt guilty, almost shameful. What kind of mother am I that I need to pop a pill to "get through" this phase in my children's lives? Do I really want to be drugging myself? Surely my friends didn't do this. And my mom's group? What would they think of me if they saw the bottle in my purse?
As I thought even further about the situation I became confused. If this was something that my Dr. easily prescribed to me than surely she's prescribed it to many other women. And since she's an OB/GYN chances are many of those women are mothers with newborns. After all, she even said many people in their office took it. If so many people are taking anti-anxiety medication why does it seem so taboo? Is it just a ridiculous standard that we hold ourselves to? That we have to be able to handle everything & do everything perfectly? How's it go? "Earn the bacon, bring it home, & cook it up 'cause I'm a WO-MAN!" I'm sorry but lately the only bacon I'm eating is on a #6 from McDonald's.
I debated on whether or not to actually say if I chose to take the Xanax or not but I think in the interest of sharing to help each other complete honesty is a must.
I do take it, most days in fact. I came to the decision that I was mostly ok with it based on a few reasons…
1- A Dr. I trust prescribed this to me
2- I do need some help. What good is it doing my children, husband & even myself to be completely stressed out every day?
3- I promised myself that this is only a temporary crutch. From having Sam I know that life will get easier as soon as Sophie is older. At some point she won't be completely tied to me & I can leave her with a sitter regularly so I can go take yoga or work-out. Maybe even paint or sew…basically find a more constructive way of releasing stress. I HATE when people insist that you just need to take some time for yourself. Don't you think I'd love that? It's just a fact that if you're a breast-feeding mom of a small baby that you can't easily leave the house. That requires pumping and that requires time. And I think we established how I don't have much of that. And what if you don't have the resources to use a babysitter? What are you supposed to do then?
4- And this was a big one…I needed something to help me get through the days & I was afraid if it wasn't this than I'd inevitably substitute something unhealthier like comfort eating, alcohol or prescription medication. I have a girlfriend who once told me that she cried when her last Percocet was gone after giving birth. She said it was the only thing that gave her a release from being overwhelmed. I know what she means. If I use this medicine that is actually for stress than there will be no need for anything else.
Sooooo….what do we think of this? Do you think I'm a completely terrible mother now? I know I'm cringing at the thought of putting this out there but I also felt that way about writing about post partum depression & that was the most rewarding thing I've ever done with this blog. We have to be able to talk about these things, right?
Please do not copy & paste any of my content without prior permission, pictures of Samster & Sophie are strictly prohibited. Links to my post however are always welcome! 
I have tears streaming down my face as I finished reading this. I won't go into it much, but I feel the same. I have one difficult 18 month old, who I adore. But lately, I can't get out of the funk I'm in. I couldn't get the last ten lbs off, I'm tired all the time, have a. Husband who constantly rags on me about the house not being spotless etc etc. No one seems to have the problems I do and everyone copes bettervthan i do. I don't take anything, but maybe it's something I Should consider? Basically I want you to know it's appreciated that you put yourself out there and you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteIf u were a diabetic, would u call insulin a crutch? Same thing with the meds. We don't have the support that grandmothers had. Although truth be told a lot of them had an afternoon cocktail too! I say, if it's needed then u should take it. I think it helps raise healthier children.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being brave and sharing this. I am not a mom, but I do know what it is like to finally decide you need help with something. I suffered from depression in college and it took a long time for me to seek help. I was afraid of being on meds to be happy. I was afraid I would need them for the rest of my life. But I didn't, and you won't either. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty. So many of us face these kinds of issues, and we are so afraid to talk about them...and honestly I might add. I went on some mommy meds when we lived over seas...it helped me get through a REALLY hard time. Somtimes I feel like I might need them again, but I am working hard to face life without the pills. You are such an amazing woman. Hang in there. Thanks for being brave.
ReplyDeleteOh man. I truly appreciate your complete honesty. While I admit that I in on a almost constant state of overwhelmedness, I have yet to take anything....well...should I say anything prescribed for such feelings. I must admit that when I have a sore back I look forward to taking a painkiller of some type just so I can relax. It embarrasses me that I do this but man, it is such a relief to not feel like you have 8000 pounds on your back, even if it is for just a few hours! Hang in there, my baby is now one and it is certainly easier than it was a few months ago!
ReplyDeleteThe second child is the hardest! I don't know if it's because you think you know what your doing and are blindsided by the fact that you really weren't prepared, or because someone is always awake, or because you start feeling like a little more of you is disappearing. I don't know. I've been there! And then add in nursing, where someone else controls your body and you have to schedule everything around the little one's unpredictable feedings . . . it can be tough. My fourth child is 10mo old now, and I still shudder when I think of the first year with #2.
ReplyDeleteJust remember, it is just a stage in your life. Do what you need to do to make it through each day, because - truly - you'll wake up on the other side of this stage one day and realize that you made it. There's nothing like perspective.
If more babies are in your future, the third is much easier, and the fourth a piece of cake!
Good luck!
I agree completely with you. And especially on that very last point you made, #4 on your list. While I haven't personally experienced all this, i know many many many people who have and not even people under as much stress and hard work as you are. My husband actually went through this more than I after our daughter was born, the stress of providing for us while I only worked part time was a lot for him. He did turn to food (as he always has)... I won't go too far into it, but that was worst I'd ever seen him and it took a lot for me to convince him to talk to his doctor about it. He's on xanax and a couple other meds which are helping immensely. I wouldn't worry too much about it if you need it after the baby is sleeping through the night either. Life is stressful, and some of us are somehow able to be nonchalant about it, there's absolutely no reason to be ashamed if your body needs help to get the chemicals to balance. Thanks for sharing with us!
ReplyDeletethank you. you are now real to me. before you were a fairytale mother with the perfect life and tons of cute crafts. too many moms don't talk about this and it's very sad. i have two children, 10.5 months apart. i'm drowning everday between my family and my full time job. it's nice to not feel alone.
ReplyDeleteThough our abilities easily label us Mothers as superheroes, I don't think it is fair for us to try to be one. Being a mother to two young children is hard and accepting help is an act of bravery.
ReplyDeleteI think that we are not at all honest with how hard motherhood/parenthood is, like you said, perhaps it's our pride. It's not easy, at all. It's hard to find the perfect balance (if there is one) and my word, the "to do" list or job description, well, should we even try to write one? It would almost be impossible because there is so much that we as parents do. I can totally understand why one would need help in the form of medication. I think it's great that you were able to realize that you needed some form of help and that you spoke to your doctor about it. I've recently realized that I too am taking on a whole lot and have come to a decision that I didn't think I'd ever do (regarding etsy shop), but if I want to be the mother and wife I dream to be, it's something that I have to do. Not only that, I want to do it for me, because being the best mum and wife is very important to me and I take great pride in that! Hugs to you and thanks for sharing, I think there are many people who will be able to relate to this post.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this. My baby is 6 months old, she is our first and our only. I have been back to work for 3 months and am still trying to do the supermom routine. I even asked myself the other day if it is possible to get postpartum depression at 6 months post partum. I comfort eat to deal with it, I come home from the gym and scarf down cookies or other goodies as soon as I walk in the door just to get me through the cooking, the laundry, the picking up of toys, the getting ready for the next day--which always comes too soon.
ReplyDeleteI had the a similar experience as Angela (except mine was intense anxiety) when I was in college. It became a problem again when I became a mother that I'm dealing with now, but since I only have one child who is now 17 months and get a lot of help from my family down the street, I'm able to cope without meds. However, I don't believe there's anything wrong with taking them. It's understandable that you're going through a difficult time, and I know other moms who take them, too. It doesn't make you a bad mom. Just remember that anyone who would judge you has never truly known what the pain is like.
ReplyDeleteI cried reading this, because I can relate to a lot of things you said. I have a daughter that just turned 3 and a son that is about to be 3 months old. Both are relatively good- the oldest is old enough to help out a lot and understand things, the youngest is sweet and easy and is slowly starting to sleep a good chunk of the night- and I still break down crying and get overwhelmed on a regular basis. My husband is wonderful, but if he complains about laundry one more time without helping I might scream. There are times that if I hear 'Mommy!' one more time, I'll cry.
ReplyDeleteI hate that I feel like I have to justify why I feel overwhelmed to people, because some like to throw out 'well you stay at home, how hard can it be'. I'm always thankful I'm able to stay home with my kids, that goes without saying. For me it isn't so much physically exhausting as just completely emotionally exhausting. Having to take care of 2 peoples every need and want and having almost no time to yourself to even get a shower is draining. Having to pretend you're supermom to everyone else takes its toll as well.
I've followed Stephanie Wilder Taylor's blog Baby on Bored for awhile now. Every week she'll focus on a different story from someone who is a recovering alcoholic or started drinking- many of which (maybe all?) are moms. It's amazing how many other women out there are going through the same thing but none of us talk about it. It's one of the reasons I was able to catch myself when I started having a drink or two every night after the kids were in bed and stop it before it escalated, and not feel ashamed about it.
I'm sure some people will think their nasty thoughts about this post, or think they're better than you, and maybe some are pathetic enough to actually post a comment saying so. I hope they're never in a similar situation. But you're not alone. Maybe your post will help other moms realize that THEY aren't alone, either. So thank you.
Loved your post. I am not a crier, but I had tears in my eyes. Glad to hear I'm not the only one. As I was reading your post, I realized that my teeth her clenched - totally stressed. And then when I got to your part about the 5pm drink time - I realized that I probably need some help before I turn into an alcoholic! I have two kids, 22 months apart. My baby is 13 months, but she is a total Mama's girl, that doesn't sleep and nurses all the time. Coupled with a full time job, I feel like I am losing myself too. No sex with husband, no fun, etc. Just what you described. Thank you for putting yourself out there. Hope it helped you by getting some of it off your chest. It definitely helped me!
ReplyDeleteHi there, I am a lurker from the UK and have been were you are. There is 15 months between my adorable boys and it has always been the lack of sleep that has been my major issue. I didn't get more than 3 hours at a time until my youngest was 11 months old and even then it isn't much better yet and they are 4 and 5.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with my depression and also the anxiety attached to parenting and also take tablets to help. Well done you for being honest about things
I am in the same boat...my dr. did the same thing and I struggle with taking the pills everyday. On a side note, I also get migraines from wine but found the wines from Australia do not give them to me. They have less Sulfates and Nitrates than other wines. Not that I am encouraging the drinking but just some interesting info.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing! It is hard to admit you aren't super mom. I am the mom to a preemie who didn't sleep well for 4-6 months (thank you NICU for letting her sleep on her tummy so she refused to sleep any other way - if I had known!?!) but finally that magically day came when she learned to roll over and then began sleeping wonderfully. But I was just at about breaking point. I was so tired. I was not myself and we did gain weight (hubs and I) because all we could manage was take out. Bleh. Yet anytime people asked if she slept well...I felt like I had to say yes when all I wanted to do was cry and say not at all! But it does get better as you say! Thanks for your openness though!
ReplyDeleteAw, hun. *hugs* I feel ya, my first wasn't a sleeper and if it hadn't been for my mom taking her from time to time and sending me to bed I don't know what I would have done. I feel very blessed that my second daughter has been sleeping six hour stretches every night since she was four days old !! My older girl is 'spirited' / 'challenging' and I could not be a good mother to her without a decent sleep.
ReplyDeleteIf you're not sure you want to be on Xanax, you could try seek out a naturopath or chiropractor... My sister in law suffers from anxiety and when she is pregnant it gets EXTREMELY bad. A friend of ours treats her post partum depression and anxiety naturopathically and recommended if she didn't want to go to a naturopath to at LEAST talk to her chiro, who she sees regularly. My SILs chiropractor gave her these chewable pills that she can take whenever she starts feeling anxious and they help her TONS. She wasn't able to leave the house for a while there or she'd get an anxiety attack, but we were able to go Christmas shopping together and stuff after she got them. I wish I knew what they were called, I'd tell you if I did.
Not that I have objections to taking meds if needed, my husband was prescribed Wellbutrin to quit smoking and it's the best thing ever happened to our family. Ever since he was a teen he's had ups and downs like mad, which is kindof normal for a teen but it never went away. On the Wellbutrin he is so LEVEL... one of his more observant family members even asked what had changed. Whether he likes to take meds for something like that or not (i dunno, he was raised to think that's 'weak' or something) even he has to admit he is a much better father when he is not yo-yoing between affectionate superdad and prickly meandad.
Actually the tipping point for him was that our three year old has been saying that she's a bad girl because papa is always mad at her. Heartbreaking! Truthfully I was thinking of leaving him even though I love him and I know he loves us all, because she is too young to understand he has a chemical imbalance that throws him off and it's not her fault he is impatient and snappy sometimes. But before I could make a decision he asked me to stop by the doctors and get that prescription. I think she knew what she was doing all along when she prescribed him that, because she gave him one with an automatic monthly renewal.
Don't feel bad Natasha! I am pregnant with my first so I can't relate yet to the motherhood part. But I have been dealing with anxiety issues since 2009. I have taken Xanax and Klonopin and they do work. They don't have the side effects associated with anti-depressants and they have short half-lifes. It's frightening because you feel like if you take something, it means there is something wrong with you and that you'll always be "broken." But you have to keep reminding yourself that it is temporary, that things will get better, and that you aren't a bad mommy for doing something that will help you. Not only will you be a better and less stressed mommy, but a better and less stressed wife. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSweet Natasha, please don't apologize for posting non-crafting stuff. This is YOUR blog, and as such, you get to say whatever you need to.
ReplyDeleteI am so very proud of you for taking the steps that you need to in order to take care of yourself and therefore your family. That seems to be the hardest thing for us mamas to do. It's hard to admit that we're not living up to our image of the Super Mom we want to be... you ARE a super mom - don't doubt that. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about your struggle.
No you are not terrible. But more importantly did your doctor really try to tell you that once Sophie sleeps through the night you will feel "refreshed and able to handle more??" In order to ward off a total pill addiction for you I am going to give it to you straight. I have a 12 month old that has been sleeping through the night since about 4 months and refreshed is not a term that can describe me or my life these days. I do feel happy which is great considering I was nearly miserable the first 6 months for all the reasons you just listed above but refreshed and capable? NO! I still consider it a feat to shower daily. I cried to my husband this weekend bc I am worried that I may never care about sex again and therefor worried that I will drive him to an affair (he would never for the record). And when I do have some precious quiet time each day I still don't get done even half of my to-do list. And since having two I make my to-do list VERY manageable. So now that I have possibly ruined your day let me give you the good news...take your pills, don't get hooked, drink wine when necessary, and enjoy motherhood because thats exactly what you are experiencing! Getting through this phase of life is part of the job and as long as you are loving, responsible, and feeding your kids you will be alright. And so will they.
ReplyDeleteBless your tired little heart! You have to know that you're not alone in feeling this way. The mommys who only talk about how much they love motherhood and how perfect their children are are LIARS! Big, fat liars. A leader from my church recently spoke about motherhood. He didn't talk about how easy or glamorous it was. He said while it is the most important work a mother will ever do in this lifetime, it is HARD. And this is my favorite part: "Joy in motherhood comes in moments." In moments. Sometimes for me the 1 joyful moment of my day is when the kids go to bed! :) But thankfully that's not everyday- but somedays it is. That's reality. my first baby was such a horrible sleeper- looking back it's clear that I was struggling with depression and anxiety, but I was naive and thought every baby and mommy were like us. "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Mark Weissbluth changed my life! In 3 days (with some crying involved on both parts!) he was waking once at night (instead of 5) napping twice for 2 hours each time, and going to bed at 7. He transformed into a completely different baby too. I give that book as a baby gift and everyone has thanked me over and over again. Hang in there, and remember everybody's "normal" is different. Your girls are beautiful, and so are you! Hope this helps in some way :)
ReplyDeleteWell I usually check in on your blog & then want to hang myself for all i'm not doing with my 4 little monkeys. Today I can actually relate to you! Not that I want you to feel this way at all but it just goes to show me that it's just a mom thing. I think we put way too many expectations on ourselves b/c you are obviously doing a really great job & I think it's totally true & great advice that this is just a chapter in our lives & that soon the chaos will settle & the kids will have half a brain & be lots more fun! :) Huge hugs to you sweetie! You do what you gotta do & know that you're not alone. I think you are an awesome mama!
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling! Kids are great, but they are a LOT of work. I also have migraines so I definitely know how you feel the next morning :(
ReplyDeleteI decided to just quit drinking because I couldn’t take it anymore. I do have one idea for you; when my daughter was 2, I decided to do something for me and it was the best thing ever! Sport and Health at the Rio in Gaithersburg (I am not sure if that’s too far for you) has a great daycare (with toys, baby room, slides, everything) and you can have up to 5 kids there everyday for 2 hours. My friends and I love it! Sometimes we don’t work out; just go to the sauna, have coffee, whatever. The kids have a blast and we can work out/relax for a little bit. I highly recommend it! Gaby (my 4 year old) never wants to leave. Anyways, if you want more info, here is my email: janabacellar@hotmail.com (no, i don't work there. Just in case you were wondering :) )
I understand what you are going through. I gave birth to my third baby at the end of October of 2010. My other two are four and two. Plus I work full time at home and am trying to do everything else that I need to do, or believe that I need to do.
ReplyDeleteFor me there came a point in time where I couldn't do everything that everyone expected of me including my husband. I had to make a decision as to what was the most important things in my life and prioritize them. My family comes first, feeding, changing and such, my husband next and everything else last. My house is a wreck. I don't really go grocery shopping unless my husband watches the kids. I don't do laundry hardly at all. I will put a few clothes in the washer and dryer but I don't fold the clothes. I have huge pile in my bedroom that my kids climb on. We just go through them if we get dressed for the day. My bathrooms are a mess. Any errands that need to be run are done on Saturday mornings.
I have to keep in mind that this won't last forever. The kids will grow up and they will learn to take care of themselves which will relieve some of my obligations that I have now. I can take one day at a time and just step over the mess of the house. And I mentally works myself to relax and not over react which is a natural reaction from me anyways.
I hope that you get better and just remember that this won't last forever and to take it one day at a time.
I say this because I understand where you are coming from and the feelings that you have. I know that more than likely most women feel the same way. My advice is that you need a support system. Either from your husband, family near by or people that you trust from your church.
loved this post. love when women can admit to others that they are not perfect (and in a real way, not in a my-hips-are-so-big kind of way). love that you are doing what you need to do to help yourself and be better for your family. hang in there and don't feel badly -- you are not alone. (for the record, i have kids that are older and while they are not breast-feeding, one practically could be because she clings allll dayyyyy long.... when they go to bed, i smoke one or two puffs of pot. not advocating that for you, just saying that everyone has some way to release/escape...)
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog, but don't usually comment. This post definitely struck a chord with me. When I went back to work after a summer off with my baby I got into a funk that I couldn't seem to lift myself out of. I was a great mom, but that was only thing that I was "great" at. I hardly felt like a teacher or wife and I couldn't find a balance anywhere, and I felt like I had completely lost who I was in becoming a mother. It could be that I didn't get a chance to focus on myself, since we got pregnant about a month after we got married (and only 3 months after I finished college). I felt like I couldn't do anything that I wanted to do, so I didn't want to do anything beyond being a good mother. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until it was almost summertime again and I woke up and saw everything else around me again. I decided I wasn't superman and made priorities and adjusted my standards so that I could meet them and be satisfied by my progress. This year has been much better, but now we're considering adding another child to our family soon and I'm petrified of going through what you described. Then I think of how many people I know who have 2 children and deal with it all just fine and wonder what I am doing wrong. I was one of five and I don't understand how my mom did survived. Thank you for putting yourself out there. It helps me to know that I'm not the only one overwhelmed by it all.
ReplyDeleteI love your blogs I found you randomly when looking for instructions on how to make a tutu for my two year old...I have a baby who was born in september this year and a 2 year old as well so I love reading your blogs as we are similar! I struggled being a mommy of one so to add another was joyful but terrifying. This blog was refreshing and so honest...thankyou for sharing xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks for being brave enough to post this. When you're running on not much sleep, dealing with body changes, the schedule not run on your own, and the daily stresses, life just all around stinks. You're doing much more then most people do and you're doing great at it. Keep in mind that this is temporary.
ReplyDeleteAnd if the pills are helping and you're not overdosing on them/not taking them with anything else including alcohol, don't feel bad. If mama ain't happy, nobody happy. Remember that. And keep calm and carry on. :)
Natasha, I just read your post with tears streaming down my cheeks. I have a 6-month-old and a 2 1/2 year old and I can really relate to everything you've written here. This morning, I woke up with a hangover from drinking too many glasses of wine last night and I thought "I really need to get a grip." My 2 year old is testing limits and being disobedient, and having to keep consistent with discipline and take care of my baby and still, like you said - cook dinner, do laundry, vacuum, have sex with my husband - it all feels like TOO MUCH!
ReplyDeleteI was really struggling with weight loss a few months ago, and my doctor put me on Phentermine to loose the weight. I've lost 65 pounds since my daughter was born in July, and last week I went off the medication and decided I'm good from here losing the last few pounds on my own. Unfortunately, the "sped up" feeling the diet medicine gave me is gone, and my mood is really grumpy again, and my patience is short.
I have another appointment with my doctor in a few weeks, and if I am still feeling so irritable and anxious and stressed - I'm going to talk to her about Xanax.
Will you post again in a few weeks and let us know how you're doing? I'd love to hear from another mom how medication works out.
Thanks again for posting this - I've never seen exactly the way I feel written out by someone else before!
Sometimes we, as mothers and wives, need help. You are a smart woman and I know you will make the right decision for you. You have been given very good advice from the commenters above.
ReplyDeleteAnd . . . if you have any extra pills could you send them my way!?!?! :)
good for you to talk about this!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had been able to read something like this after my first. I was a crying, snipping, emotional mess. I was prescribed a med to help with it, but my stupid, pointless pride wouldn't even allow me to go pick it up from the pharmacy! So for about a year I was a mess. I was mean and then happy and basically a crazy women and I made my older step daughters and husband miserable. So after I had my second baby, I decided not to put my family through that and am happily taking a med that has truly HELPED me feel more balanced and just more sane. I can do more for my family now and that's really what it's all about. High fives to you and prayers for a restful nights sleep soon!
Thank you for posting this and most definetly you are not alone. After my second child I was a zombie for months. My husband worked all the time and things didn't get done around the house. I always felt like someone was getting neglected. I enjoyed breastfeeding but I was up every 2 or 3 hours feeding and I was so tired in the morning. I would fall asleep a night while feeding to the point that I would just put the baby in bed with me to nurse. Which is a very bad thing, I was so glad GOD watched over my children.
ReplyDeleteThe sad thing is you will wake up and they won't be babies any more and they won't need you as much, then you will feel depressed because you miss them. Do what you need to do to get by, mommy pills, a glass of wine every now and again, a good scream in a pillow. We all go through it. Just not enough of us talk about it or lean on others for support. I think because of our technology and the times we have gotten away from the small nit groups that GOD intented us to be. Mothers helping daughters, sisters helping sisters, friends helping friends. Just remember you don't have to be a supermom, enjoy your children and let somethings go. Thanks again and GOD bless!!! You are loved!!
This was a lovely post. I become the world's biggest b, when I don't have my antianxiety pills and that was even before having a baby. I feel like it's something I need to do so that I can take care of him, so that I can be the mother he deserves, and enjoy those little things that can so easily pass by if I'm a ball of nerves. Also, I wanted to tell you, I didn't truly feel awake until after my son turned 6 months, and I work outside the home so, I was getting away from the craziness for 8 hours a day. It just dawned on my that I wasn't walking around in a stupor anymore. I'm not sure when that will happen for you but, I'm sure it will!
ReplyDeleteThis is very similar to my story. I've been taking Zoloft since last summer. I felt guilty and debated about it for a long time, and then I confided in a close friend and realized SHE's been taking it for 8 years! It was so much nicer to have a friend to go to for advice. I'm off it now b/c we're trying to get pregnant, but I miss it! I only take 25 mg, but when I'm on it, it makes it so much easier to be the person I want to be. My kids are happier, my hubby is happier, and most of all, I'm happier. What's wrong with that? You only get one life, live it the way you want. And kudos for talking about it!
ReplyDeleteYou are SO far from being a bad mother! Recognizing that you needed help is something that takes a strong woman to do. Our society seems to be considerate of new mothers for the first few weeks but once 6 weeks or 3 months hits they're expected to go back to being perfect and 'handling' everything. But it's just not possible! It takes time to adjust to such a big change.
ReplyDeleteIf you need medication to get through this stage then take it- you've spoken openly and honestly with a doctor and they feel that you could benefit from it so don't feel bad.
One day in the future your girls will look back at this time in your life and thank you for doing what you needed to in order to be at home with them.
I am a total stranger here, but I love and follow your blog, so here are my two cents. You are being the TOTAL OPPOSITE of being a terrible mother. The help you are getting makes you a better mother. What type of mother would you rather have - one who is frazzled and on the edge or one who can cope and is happier?
ReplyDeleteDepression is a silly taboo. It is a real illness. No one is depressed or anxious or frazzled because they think it is fun. And you would be surprised how many people have found great help in various drugs. (I'm talking the legal kind here, of course!)
And I completely understand the "baby doesn't sleep" situation. My middle child didn't sleep through the night until she was three. I slept in a recliner nursing her for the first five months of her life. Even today at the age of 11 she is a horrid sleeper. (The difference is that now I can go to sleep and she can read a book in her bed.)
I am not telling you this to scare you. I am just saying that I understand. And, as the saying goes, "This too shall pass." Do what you need to do to enjoy your family to the fullest. Sleep will come later. I promise.
And tell your husband to wash his own socks.
Hi Natasha,
ReplyDeleteI'm a longgg time reader/admirer..you are so talented and such a "model" mother in my opinion. I swear I share your blog with every female I know..seriously and sincerely in hopes of one day being able to be even slightly close to as creative and loving of a wife and mom. As cliche as it may be, life is tough, toss in two babies one of which you can't communicate with yet and it's tougher. You shouldn't feel bad or guilty for being stressed or wanting and needing help. I can also totally understand your apprehension with medicating. You mentioned you take Sam out for play-dates, maybe you could look into Mommy-and-me yoga, (dance and especially swim - in the winter it's a treat, kids love it and water movement makes everyone sleepy - became life savers for my sister and her infant). Since you already have the time allot in your schedule, you won't need to make more time for it just change the routine. Sam's old enough and certainly fancy enough for you to include her in your activities too (just in the 2yr old version, she clearly loves dress-up) so blow dry your hair while she plays with hers or have her pick out your accessories or clothes for you. Also I'm not sure how much you get Sophie to eat and maybe you already know this, but if she's only eating/drinking an ounce or two before she sleeps she will wake up because she's not satisfied, she'll be upset and her sleep pattern will be wacky. A trick that my mom gave was to make sure she takes in 4oz or more, no matter what even if you have to take her shirt off to keep her up or gently rock her, try not to let her sleep until she's full. Getting that little one to sleep will ease the tension, for you, for Sam and for your husband. And if in the end you still feel overwhelmed even by all of the advice and tips, and you feel the mommy pills will help..go for it, it's your life, your situation, you know yourself better than anyone else and it's a great thing to know when you need help rather than letting things get too out of control. Also you don't have to share it with your mommy group friends if you don't want to, their situations may be completely different from yours -- maybe they have their families close by, or a house-keeper during the day, your decision is a totally private, personal, and guilt-free matter. I hope some of this helps, and even more so I really hope you feel better.
Go momma!!! I too am a medicated mom (haha) and many of my friends are as well. What better for your children than to have a mom that is calm, collected and happy with her job! My problems are reversed, the older my child has gotten the worse it has gotten for me ( but I have struggled with chronic anxiety since my teens). Hang in there, and talk to your friends, you may find more in common than you think! Thank you for posting this and P.s. I love your "non crafting" blogs too!
ReplyDeleteI love that you have posted about the stress of being a mom! While reading your post I found myself nodding in agreement. I feel exactly that same way, and I only have one child. Most people don't understand and the stress involved with young kids is something people forget as their kids get older. When I tell people about the stress I have with my daughter (almost four) they always say "Wait until she is 13" as if you have no mommy trouble until your kids are teenagers.
ReplyDeleteThere were many days when my daughter was young that I would sit down and cry like a two year old when it all got to be too much for me. That was my way of releasing some of that anxiety. I have noticed that everything becomes too much for me at two specific times: when there is an "event" coming up, such as a big holiday or a vacation that involves planning and crafting and shopping, and, when she isn't sleeping through the night.
My daughter for the last month has decided that she doesn't want to stay asleep all night. She wakes up 4-5 times a night and wants to come in and talk. My husband and I both work full time and it is miserable dragging out of bed in the morning after being woken up 5 times in the 8 precious hours we have to sleep. I feel exaclty like you describe with a grumpy husband and a starving dog. I would cry at night because I felt as if I was ruining my marraige and hurting my child with my bad moods. I know that when my husband volunteers to do the laundry that I have reached my limit of snarky comments for the week.
I didn't realize until recently that I have anxiety trouble because I just thought that was life and life was tough. I am really working on calming down and letting things go. Someone told me right after I had my daughter that I needed to learn to let go of the guilt. Guilt about being the "Perfect Mom" with the immaculate house and the well mannered child and the healthy dinner on the table every meal. That is not me, and really that is not anyone. No one can do or be everything. I have chosen a few things that are super important to me and let the rest go. If you can take a pill to help you through this then I am all for that! If you found something that helps you to enjoy this time instead of dread it then your kids and your marraige will be better off.
Thank you for posting about this. Motherhood is dang hard. The transition from 1 child to 2 was very difficult for me! I think it was harder than having a baby for the first time because I thought I knew what I was doing that second time around. But it hit me hard.
ReplyDeleteI will give you my opinion is one sentence - It took me an hour to read your post while drinking a mocha spiked with Bailey's! If the drugs help - TAKE THEM!
ReplyDeleteI have a 4 year old - just one - and her and her mouth and her constant "demands" are the reason it took an hour to read this post. "I'm thirsty, I can't reach my silly bands, I don't want to eat THAT for dinner, I want to use my scissors, look I cut all my silly bands......" yep - baileys!
I took Lexipro (antidepressent/antianxiety) for a LONG time - I started when I was preg and stopped about 2 years after she was born. It helped me so much - I don't think I would have been a very good mom or wife without it.
You know you're doing the right thing and you'll know when you're ready to be off of them.
I have a 6 month old and a 2.5 year old boys and feel like I'm still stuck on survival mode. Anything that helps you make it through the day and be a good mom is totally worth it. Anyone who makes you feel guilty about it should try taking two small children anywhere when it's been months without a decent night of sleep.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need to feel guilty about it at all! It is stressful to put yourself on the back burner and tend to everyone else's needs first! My baby boy didn't sleep more than four hour stretches until 7 months!!! I was so tired and exhausted...I swear, I didn't know who that person was staring back at me in the mirror. I felt terrible at my job (I'm a teacher, on top of it).
ReplyDeleteI think it's funny that you called the Xanax a "crutch." You see, you're looking at it as a negative. Like you're "giving up" and taking it. The thing is, a crutch is an instrument used when it is needed. Could you imagine feeling bad about using a crutch after breaking your leg? It's ridiculous! Of course you'd take the crutches! It's the same here...You need it right now, so you use it.
It may seem taboo, but I wonder how many moms out there would actually look down on you for doing what you need. THIS mom definitely does not! And, I appreciate this post and your bravery to put it all out there!
Hi Natasha! I just want to sau, very quickly, that you shouldn't feel guilty about needing help! Some people can get paid help, some people have grandmothers nearby and some people just need to take something so they can do it all by themselves! Xanax is not the same as a "happy pill", it will take the edge off and, as you say, you won't have to turn to something that is unhealthy... :( cheers and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you posted this. I have a very active 2 year old son and a very colicky 3 month old daughter. For the first two months of my daughter's life I was in a major funk. No matter what I was so unhappy. I cried daily and was close to going to the doctor to get some medication for baby blues. I'm finally out of that funk but am tired all the time and stressed . I have a lot of your same feelings. My second child is so hard for me because my first baby was so happy and content and was sleeping through the night at 2 months and this one is so opposite. My daughter is still not sleeping through night. I feel like most days I'm failing as a mother. As I read your post felt like someone knows exactly how my day is and how I'm feeling. Thank you for posting this I know I'm not alone
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this, I have felt this way for quite some time now and trying to communicate this to my husband has been very difficult. It's nice knowing there are other Mom's out there going through the same thing, we shouldn't be afraid to talk to one another about it.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this. It was brave and fearless and so much more, but I as a new mom to a 4month old little boy - my only I can relate (somewhat). I have recently moved to a new area no friends or family 5 minutes away or right next door (like I was used to)... I somedays feel overwhelmed and scared and others feel completely in control. I am very grateful to you for sharing your story - I'm sorry you are struggling with talking about it and taking the Xanax but it was a healthy decision to talk about your feelings with a professional and the OB was able to help in the best way they knew how. So thank you again.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear you've been through such a rough/difficult time. I am sure if I took xanax, I'd feel a lot better than I did for the last 20 months. The only days my 20 month old has slept well are the day she was born and one day last summer after we'd traveled all day and she was teething, it was really hot, and we gave her tylenol. I think it's a great parenting thing for you to take care of yourself. I hope this time passes quickly.
ReplyDeleteOh thank you for opening up like this. I have had so many conversations with my hubby saying that I feel like I am treading water. I am not doing anything as well as I want to be and feel horrible about myself. I have a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old. My 9 month old is finally sleeping through the night. (she was only waking for 1 feeding...but still the last thing I want to do at 1am is get up - no matter how cute she is) It took about 6 months before I felt like I was finding myself again. I expected to 'have it all under control' much sooner than that. And of course I still don't have it under control. I've found more of a groove...but have good days and bad. I am still not where I want to be...but finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. A few months ago, I didn't see it.
ReplyDeleteA life saver for me has been 'healthy sleep habits, happy child'. I know you mentioned sleep training - but wanted to pass it on because it has helped us SO much. Out 2.5 year old sleeps 7pm to 8am (with a 2 hour nap in the afternoon - if he doesn't sleep, he just lays in bed talking - but I need that time to recharge) & our baby is now doing 7-7:30pm to 6ish am. I treasure my few hours alone every night. My husband is a teacher and grades/plans after dinner. We have been both been going to bed at 10pm so we have time to connect at the end of the night - it has helped us SO much.
I read a few of the wonderful comments that you've already received and was pleased to hear that #3 is easier. #2 was more of an adjustment than I expected. But thank you, it is so nice to know I am not alone. So many moms seem to do it all - and I just don't understand how.
Thank you for opening yourself up. I know it couldn't have been easy.
Not alone at all. :) I had PPD with both my kids. VERY bad with my second. After getting things in perspective and changing my meds....I finally was prescribed Xanax also. I haven't needed to take it everyday but I am SO thankful that I have it on the days that I do need it. I was very concerned that I would get addicted to it, but that hasn't been an issue at all. And you are right, people don't talk about this enough. We seem to think that we have to appear perfect even though we are crumbling inside. I blogged during my PPD and it was very helpful. Thankfully I am past that now and just dealing with the anxiety issues. Much to my surprise I got emails and comments from people I never expected to be on the same journey that I was. Good job for writing it and sharing with others....you never know who it will help.
ReplyDeleteDO NOT feel guilty at all, nobody understands how hard it is to be a mom, a wife, run a house, and do basically everything around the house unless you are a mother! I sometimes feel overwhelmed too, and I end up crying my eyes out, so don't feel ashamed for posting this, I completely understand you. When I had my first child I was by myself (with my husband of course!) but no help at all, from nobody! I was also breastfeeding, I would cry almost every single day, you have no idea how many times during the day I prayed to be able to calm down and go on with life. More power to you for writing this!!!!
ReplyDeletethank you. honestly...i usualy only come here for the crafts and only on days where my three little girls(3,22 months, and 3 months) some how miraculously give me a break. i dont have time to craft or sew any more or cook anything lovely like i used to do. so i have a handful of blogs that i love and check every few days because i need some sort of creative inspiration cuz ain't nothin happining in my craft room. i was this close to skipping.
ReplyDeletei am struggling with anxiety and i have even picked up some OCD issues with germs since newwst daughter was put in the nicu right after birth. I have been pretty adiment that i dont need medication and that i'll just get over it. who am i kidding??? i need it. i am gonna make an appointment with my OBGYN first thing to talk about meds. thank you.
I'm going to make this in point form coz you don't have much time, and there are a lot of responces I haven't read lol.
ReplyDelete*My 5 month old is EXACTALY the same. I'm Lucky to get 2 20 minute naps out of him a day, and he wakes still about 5 times a night.
*I know it's anoying but.... You do need time, here's what I do.
*I go with my girl friends once a month of a pedicure, the 4 of us sit in massage chairs, and get our toes done, we chat, we have coffee, and we pass my baby down the line! Each one of us will take him for 15 minutes for me. I'm there but I don't have to be attached to him for a whole 45 minutes...... I live for my one Saturday morning a month! lol
*Oh! And of course there's nothing wrong with you! I say you do what helps you cope. However you are obviously a fantastic mother!
If people told us truly how excruciating being a mom can be some times - no one would ever become one! I am also in the same boat - I take meds also - I take the minimum just 10 mg of Prozac but it does help - immensely! I have 3 boys they are 6, 4, & 2 - I often have days were I have panic attacks and just burst out in tears. I don't know when the stress and anxiety will subside from trying to maintain a full time job, a house, making sure we are all feed and clothed and showered and at the same time making sure I eat! I thankfully have come to the conclusion that my house will not be clean, there will be pee around the base of the toilet and the laundry will be on sky high piles as well as the dishes - till the day that I am a empty nester. Personally - any mom that denies having any of these feelings is lying! And can not be trusted! Trust me - you are not alone! At all!
ReplyDeleteI am a mental health professional. Taking Xanax is much more common than you would ever realize. It does NOT make you a bad mother. It means that you are caring for yourself, which means you can better care for your children. By caring for yourself and not trying to be the mythical super mom, you are teaching your children a valuable lesson. (Okay, so they are too young to know it now, but they will know eventually)
ReplyDeleteAnd even more importantly, you are reaching out to the Mom Community. This is probably going to prove way more helpful than that Xanax. We, as Mothers in particular, are so fearful of seeming imperfect or incompetent and therefore sentence ourselves to a painful solitude. We are ALL busy. We ALL get overwhelmed. We ALL need each other.
You are not alone. I wish you well, and I wish you sleep!
Life is hard on a good day. Don't beat yourself up! I honestly wish that more mothers would admit that they are having a difficult time, this is making you a better mother.
ReplyDeleteI have been enjoying your blog for some time now but have not commented yet. I have enjoyed your honesty because, not only do your experiences mirror my own, but you are an excellent writer.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I think the guilt and overwhelmed feelings are a huge flag that you DO need something. You cannot accomplished any different outcome with the same tools you have been using. Xanax is an excellent help. You are not weak or a bad mother for needing these things! Four months of no sleep and, from what it sounds like, not enough help, will take a huge toll on anyone. Forgive me if this is overstepping my bounds, but will your husband do more? Like laundry? I understand that he works outside the home, but even dishes and laundry help can make the largest impact. From my experiences of PPD, sharing the load can help with the marital strain that PPD can cause.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I hope tonight is the night you sleep eight plus hours.
Angela
I hear ya! When your little ones are so close there are just so many NEEDS all at once. Everybody needs you. All of you. I know this doesn't address your questions really, but in about a year or 18 months, your little ones will play together. It will be the best thing ever. They will keep each other entertained for small blocks of time and you can shower, cook, brush your teeth, etc. It awesome and then only gets better. This time where it's all consuming is short in the big picture.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, what's up with people saying you need more ME time. duh. It's not that easy. I never had the means or availability for a sitter. I don't have family close by to help. My kids freak out when I try to leave. It would have been harder for me to leave then to just be there.
I hear you sister! I can relate to that overwhelming feeling with my second. He was a "high needs" baby and refused to be put down and alone ever. He camped out on my boob for 3.5 years. His first year and a half I felt like I was just going through the motions of life and felt guilty everyday. I am a SAHM and it was a hard adjustment for me too. I didn't see a dr but I probably should have. I instead ate and gained alot of weight. Thank you for being real and honest. It drives me nuts when woman act like motherhood is a breeze and that they never get irritated with their kids. Of course we all love our kids but there are days we would love a day off all to our selves. So I say You go girl. Good for you for putting your self first and taking care of you. That is so hard to so as soon as you become a mother.
ReplyDeleteSo many people have already commented and said things I was going to say. I just want to thank you for being so honest, it's refreshing. I have three children...4...2...and 8 months. The 8-month-old has turned our world upside down. I am not on medication, the thought never even crossed my mind really. I thought it was supposed to be this hard - seriously. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteim not going to read all the comments before i write this because there are lots of them, so i will just hope this isnt a repeat. but here is a thought about sophies sleeping. :)
ReplyDeletei have a 7 month old, and have noticed something about his napping, and sleeping through the night; if we are on the go, or around people during the day more than a day or two in a row he gets over stimulated and has a hard time sleeping. its fitful and short, if at all.
so is it a necessity to go to a play date or the gym for sam every day? (i also have a 2 year old, and she gets to socialize three times a week: at church sunday, small group monday, and with her cousin another day of the week at our house.) or of it is important, could a friend take her, or could the play date be at your house so sophie could be at rest?
just some ideas to consider, i hope they help sophie sleep so that you get some sleep too.
Natasha,
ReplyDeleteI 100% agree with what you're doing. You can't live every day like that. I have a 5 year old who is my world, but it's stressful sometimes and he's just one child. My best friend is in nearly the same boat as you. She has a 2 year old, then a 4 month old too. I actually called her and told her to read this post so that she would know she's not alone. I can tell in her voice how overwhelmed she is at times and I feel terrible for her. So, know that you're not alone and I completely agree with what you are doing. I know it's easy for people to say take time for yourself, but they don't know that it's just not an option for you. So, you need to go to your happy place when and how you can and if that means taking a xanax, then so be it. I'm with you girl. I guarantee that you are a much better mommy when you are happy and not stressed, then you are when you're completely stressed and faking happiness.
I know how you feel! Well, technically, not yet but, I have an 18th month old and am expecting the next one in March. I suffered from PPD with my first and am scared to death of what challenges I might face with the new baby! Keep your head up!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post. I think it's very responsible of you to seek help and begin the medication.
ReplyDeleteI have had trouble with anxiety since I was 15 and have taken meds on and off for years. It runs on both sides of my family, so there really isn't anything I can do about it, except treat it!
I'm so glad your doctor was helpful to you.
I know exactly where you're coming from. Given, I'm a momma to 1, so you have that on me, but I work a full time job (and mandatory overtime, usually 50-60 hours per week). I'm still in my 20s, so I definitely miss that feeling like a real person feeling. And I absolutely hate when people tell me to take time for me.
ReplyDeleteOur day goes something like this:
6am - wake up & get ready for the day. dress baby and make lunches.
7am - hubby drives me to work and baby to daycare
7:30am - work (hubby starts at 8:30 and we have 1 car)
1:00pm - switch car with hubby
3:30pm - go pick up baby from school (mind you, we have 'working' lunches at my office. boss pays for lunch and we work through it, no break)
4:30pm - get home or run quick errands
5:30pm - go pick up hubby from work
6:30pm - cook dinner & eat
8:30pm - put baby down for bed & check if evening work is required
And then I'm exhausted. There's no time to clean or bathe or anything. When the weekends come, it's all errands and cleaning. The last time I spent quality time with a friend was my wedding day in July. If I want time to myself, I need to stay awake until midnight because sometimes my daughter won't fall asleep until 11. Oh and don't forget, her eczema wakes her up at 1am every night, no fail and she comes crying into our room and kicks us in the throats trying to sleep in our bed.
If I could ever get an appointment with my doctor's office, believe me, I would not hesitate to ask for something to help de-stress me.
your post came at the perfect time for me. i've been feeling like i need to talk to my doc for some time now re: anxiety meds but haven't because my husband and mother gave me such flack when i was on antidepressants several years back. my kids are older but i still have that overwhelmed feeling. my problem is that the younger two are pretty good one-on-one but put the two of them together and it is constant.non-stop.bickering. it is just so completely mentally exhausting and add to that work and cleaning and gymnastics and boy scouts and ski lessons and blah-blah-blah (insert whatever) i ALWAYS feel on edge and like i could snap at any given moment (and i frequently do.) i am calling my doc tomorrow...if it will help me be a better mommy, wife, PERSON in general it is worth it to me!
ReplyDeleteWell look at all these wonderful encouraging comments Natasha, that has to be a good feeling. You did good by filling that prescription, now life is manageable and there is nothing wrong with that! Looks like you are a voice for many other woman going through this, good for you! But finding the time to read all these wonderful comments should be interesting huh?
ReplyDeleteMan....i feel ya! I'm a 28 year old mother of a ten month old and I'm barely making it through each day! I thought I was going to be so good at this too! My baby is an unbelievably bad sleeper. She has never slept longer than a four hour stretch and lately she has been up like every couple of hours. Shoot me:) I love her a ton, she is just a beautiful, smart baby but I'm not sure I love being a mother as much as I thought I would. I'm going to have one more then I'm out, ha! My poor husband, that's a whole other story. After my day is done and baby is asleep having relations just seems like one more chore to do! I used to take zanax in collage but haven't taken them in a while because I just love them so much I worry I wont be able to stop ( which can be hard by the way). You absolutely should take them though if you are super stressed though. More power to you for just doing what you need to in order to be a better mom. Sophie will get easier in just a few months. Just hunker down with your zannies and get through this storm! Its going to get better:)
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are going through! As the mother of a 2 year old and a 6 month old (who is up 2-3 times a night and does not nap) it is so hard. I'm glad that you wrote that post. I had not previously considered going to the Dr for my stress, but I will think about it now.
ReplyDeleteDear Natasha, I have so much to say here that it will not fit into a comment box.... But I am there with you.. In full support. I will email u tonight. Xo. Kiss those sweet girls and give yourself a hug.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I just read my own journal! I have a 5 year old (NOT in Kindergarten), a 2 year old, and a 5 month old. I have experienced the same feelings with my last two children. I have found a few things help me - beyond some wonderful medication! First, don't be too hard on yourself. I try not to obligate myself to too much. If you don't make it to playgroup it isn't the end of the world. Second, take a few days a week to shower, dry your hair, put on makeup, and dress in something other than sweats. You will feel better, and so will your spouse, because you do. If your spouse doesn't want to wear black socks, show him the way to Target. Sometimes I don't want to walk around with puke on my shoulder but I do. Make yourself a priority. Sometimes you are the only one that is going to. My oldest didn't sleep through the night until she was 2, the second was 1, and I have yet to get a full night's sleep with the third. Sleep whenever you can. Forget the laundry, dinner, the house, etc. Quick, easy meals once in a while won't hurt. My kid's favorite meal is breakfast for dinner. It takes 15 minutes to make. Having gone through this with the second, it does get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Take the medication, don't feel bad about making yourself a priority in the day, and ask for help. I think just talking about it helps. Remember that people are going to love you whether you are super mom or not. We all love you, and most of us don't know you personally.
ReplyDeleteSo I didn't have time to read the other comments to this might have already been said but I wanted to put my support out there. I'm a mom to a 4 and 2yr old so about the same age difference as your girls. My 2yr old was the most cranky baby EVER!!! I can totally relate to you. I do, however, work ouside the home and our girls go to daycare. I was actually looking forward to going back to work when my youngest was 12 weeks! Most mom's cry at leaving them, I was happy. She also grew out of her crankyness then.
ReplyDeleteI know your dr. said this but once Sophie gets sleeping better I think things will turn around for you. For me, I know that I can handle most anything if I can just get some sleep. You are not alone and we are now thinking of adding a 3rd child to our maddness so that goes to show how quick this is all forgotten. Keep your head up and please keep writing about it. It helps so much.
I work outside the home for my sanity... I have always been jealous of those moms who say they couldn't imagine leaving their kids and going to work. I love to drop my 2 year old daughter off at day care and hear about all the great things these incredibly patient and loving teachers did with her all day. All the friends she makes and the songs and crafts and books... And then I get to pick her up and feel refreshed from my day of adult conversations, and then when my husband comes home late from work, I don't resent him for it. I have baby number 2 on the way and I will make as much money a month as daycare costs. But I will still take them. It is a sanity saver for our family. Stay at home moms have THE hardest job around and no one but other SAHMs can truly understand just how much work you really do.
ReplyDeleteYou do what you need to and get through those hard times. No one should judge you for that. Keep your head up and take it day by day.
Wow--hmmm I have lots of thoughts. One is that Motherhood is a hard job. Ihave 4 kids nursed them all longterm. My oldest RARELY took a nap without being attached to me for 9 months!!--Cried non-stop on car rides as well. ( he now is a crazy non sleeping college sophomore who is very opinionated!!) My 2nd baby was much easier ( and now at age 18 is still much easier then #1!!)
ReplyDeleteI had more guilt feelings about not spending as much time with baby #2 as I did with baby #2--Sam has something that none of your other children will ever have--she had 2 years of you with no one else!!!
As for my dh--well we had the same gripes--but my Dh worked 6 days a week, left at 630am returned at 630 pm!--I had to cook we could not afford take out!!
THIS TOO SHALL PASS--I am guessing that you both decided collectively to have another child, he had to know things would be rocky, or change.
This time while it seems is crawling by day by day IS A DROP IN THE BUCKET OF YOUR LIFETIME!!
I find that Now as my youngest is 13 that I need Meds, I was much more organized as a mom juggling my home. I just need to have a dr give me a script--but me, I am afraid it will wreck what little S*x drive I have...
You are not a bad mommy, you are a GREAT mommy for taking care of yourself. You can't take care of others if you can't take care of yourself. I have 2 children 7 1/2 and 2 1/2 and when the youngest was about 1 1/2 I knew that I needed "help" too. I went on anti-anxiety meds and I'm so glad that it did, for myself and my family. My husband travels and I would get physically sick when he went out of town, I think the pressure of knowing that I was "IT" 24/7 while he was gone was just too much, it's amazing what the meds have done for me and I can tell you, it does get better as they get older, you have an older daughter so you do know this. Bless you for sharing your story, I don't know why it's to taboo, it shouldn't be at all. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteLorie
First, let me say, I am not a mom yet, but I am a single, 23-year old woman who's only dream in life is to have babies. I've read your blog religously for years to get an idea of what motherhood is really like.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I want to say, "Thank you." Thanks for always being honest. For knowing when to ask for help. For being able to admit when you're wrong. You're an amazing person. I talk about you to my friends (is that weird? haha...I mean that in the least-creepy way possible! I promise!)
From all the positive comments on this post, you're clearly not alone. I wish I could offer some advice, but having not been a mother, I don't know what it's like to be completely stressed out with no time for "me." But keep blogging, keep loving your husband and beautiful babies, and keep finding things that you love. Because you're awesome. And you have no idea how much you affect people with your blog!
Team Natasha! (I'm going to make shirts!)
p.s. I just looked down at my keyboard while typing...I have grey nail polish on! Totally Natasha-inspired. :) It was a 2-week hunt for grey polish, but I finally found it!
I commend you for being honest, putting it out there, and providing support for all the other mom's who feel the exact same way (judging from all the comments!).
ReplyDeleteI think it's all the non-mom's out there who really need to read this.
-Mindy (w/11 month baby girl)
I have been reading your blog for several months ( found you by googling DIY infant leg warmers... love the pattern by the way !!)! I havn't even posted... refer to myself as the creeper behind the lap top! BUT- I have a two kids the youngest 1 month older than Sophie! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! You have put into words what I am feeling! I feel like I am part time everything! Part time mom... part time wife... part time house keeper... etc... I think you need to do what is best for you and your family... and if that means taking a little pill then by all means... GO FOR IT! My great grandmother use to say "thus to shall pass"... so when things get a little tough I remind myself of that and do what I have to do to keep my head above water!
ReplyDeleteI had a very difficult 2 year old (he is 9 now) and one on the way. I remember locking myself in the bathroom crying because I felt like such a horrible mom, and a complete failure. I was so stressed that I didn't even enjoy being with my son, and I had another one on the way! Don't get me wrong, I have always loved my kids with all my heart, but I just wasn't handling it. I would look at other moms and think "What is wrong with me? Why can't I handle things like everyone else does?" What people don't tell you is that most of the time, everyone puts on the appearance when they are out in public, but underneath it all, they are having just as hard of a time a you are.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a bad mom for needing help. Honestly, I wish I had thought to talk to my Dr. when I was at that stage in my child's life. Maybe I would have enjoyed it more, instead of just struggling to get through it.
Take the med, get the help from it that you need right now, and when your little one gets a little older, and things calm down again, talk to your Dr. and stop taking it. For now, commend yourself for getting that extra help you need to make your life, and your family's life a little easier.
You are not a bad mother,but a tired one. I nursed both of my kids and if I had it to do over, I would have had my husband give the baby a bottle for the 4 a.m. feeding. (Breast milk for that bottle)I know some babies won't take a bottle if they have been breastfed,but it is worth a try!)
ReplyDeleteIf you can get the baby to take a relief bottle,then you could get a babysitter for a couple of hours-and have a date with your husband.
One other suggestion is to hire a teenager to be a mother's helper for an hour or 2 after school.She could play with Sam..
Don't worry, they are only babies for a short time.It will get easier. Luv your blog!
Wow, looks like there are more of us out there than I thought. I have a 6 y/o and now an almost 2mo old. While I am handing the juggling of the kids and house ok, I find myself not wanting to go to the store or go see people. I have become a shut in and I like it too much. I have my 6 week follow up appointment next week, but I don't know how to talk about it, so kudos to you for posting about it, maybe I will be able to address my issues with my doctor too! Don't feel bad! I know you made me feel better in the sense that I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about the relations post-baby thing. I just had my 3rd baby in October and after I absolutly hate sex now. I feel so bad always having to refuse my husband. I understand this is why some men cheat. But I've just become so exhausted lately. It really feels like another 'chore'. You seem to be having this problem too. Perhaps if you come to some sort of conclusion post it please>!
ReplyDeletefirst off, 'ah-men sister!' second, I feel ya, I've got a 2 year old and 3 month old and I feel like a machine, you totally described my feelings and I'm glad you posted this. Everyday I ask myself if I'm even a good mom, this morning my husband was met with me saying, 'i hate the way I look!' because thats how I feel...everyday. I feel like a crazed, psycho about to crack at any moment. i LONG for the day I can wake up to a cup of freshly brewed...FRESHLY BREWED (might I add again:) coffee! after which i jump into a nice warm shower, then, scandal of all scandals...dry my hair or put on some make up. I'm just glad to hear this from another momma.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you shared this! I can totally relate to how you are feeling!! A few years ago I was where you are. I have 3 daughters ages 9, 7, & 6. Basically I spent 3 years either pregnant or having a newborn. I wish I had thought about taking something to help with the stress, but I didn't. I just focused on one day at a time. I don't have any advice other than to do that, don't be so hard on yourself and opt for the sex rather than a DVR'd show. You can always re-watch those, but can't get moments back with your hubby. Plus you'll both sleep better! I promise, though, it will get better. :)
ReplyDeleteA good mother does what she needs to do in order to be a good mom to her children. And if that includes medicating, then so be it. I've been there. I am still there. And I really wish it were not so taboo. I had PPD with my second pregnancy. BAD. And when I thought I was ready to go off the anti-depressant, I did. But something was not right. And I finally mustered up the courage to talk to my doctor and he suggested a low dose of anti-anxiety meds to help. That it was a common thing. That wanting to be a good mom and get my balance back is not a bad, taboo thing. So I did. And I am still on lexapro. And it helps. And to me, that does not make me a bad mom. Just even tempered.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. Thank you for sharing.
I enjoy reading your blog, and this post made me have a lot of respect for you although I don't even know you.
ReplyDeleteI have a 2-week old, my first child. My husband and I were planning to wait a few more years before having children, but I found out 7 months after getting my IUD that I was 6 weeks pregnant. Needless to say, it was a rollercoaster of emotion to begin my pregnancy. I love my daughter, and I love my husband, but now thinking about going back to work in a few weeks and finishing my degree this fall seems overwhelming. These are things that I enjoyed - being out of the house, working, going to school, darn - even going to church - seem like daunting tasks some days. I cry at commercials, music videos, and because my husband jokes with me; not everyday, but I do get emotional sometimes and that's okay. This is all new, and I'm going through all new feelings and emotions. Thanks for sharing your story; it helps the rest of us know that it's okay to not always want to smile or feel the way everyone else thinks we should feel.
Hi Natasha. What a deep post. I think this took a lot of courage (: Kudos. I also think you probably helped a lot of women. I have 3 BIG kids and last year I found myself with the wine thing too, so it's not all about the age, stress can come at any time. I just wanted to say that you should do what feels right and what U think is best for U and Ur fam. I think sometimes we get caught up in the "pretty pretty" in blogland and forget about the real life part when the camera is off. You can do this, forget about what everyone else thinks, and I mean EVERYONE and focus on you and your fam - and only good things can come. And they will come as soon as you let go of the worrying about others. Life is about how you handle these changes not anyone else. Good Luck Gurl!
ReplyDeleteThank You for posting this.
ReplyDeleteI have an all most 4 year old and a 10 month old. The 10 month old is so much easier than the almost 4 year old at this point.....We are not completely potty trained yet.
And trying to make money as a stay at home mom with a sewing business....haha....
My rule is no booze til 5pm. That is my way of relaxing. And we finally have a bedtime routine. The kids go to sleep at 7....that may seem early but they get up early and my daughter doesn't take a nap.
Thank You again. Being a mom is probably one of the easiest jobs to love but the hardest at the same time!
i have been reading your blog for so long, but have never commented until now. i can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but i did want to say that i have long admired your talent as a crafter, writer, and now, a mother. please don't feel like you're a bad one. you are so far from it. you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your family.
ReplyDeletei have an almost 6-month-old, and while i am blessed that he is a good sleeper, we went through a 2-week spell where he completely reverted back to being a newborn, and just screamed bloody murder at every chance he got. my husband and i both work FT outside the house, were completely sleep-deprived and were snapping at each other constantly. i came to dread nighttime and spent as much time as i could at work to "hide." but look at you - you have been doing this for 4 months, and with 2 kids! you're amazing!
your doctor knows how to help you, and i'm so glad that you are letting her. it's a shame that talking about this is so taboo. you are doing the right thing, and i hope that you see that you aren't alone... and are fully supported by all of your readers!
I know how you feel and I think it's GREAT that you are doing it now instead of trying to "get through it". I have 4 kids, 2 of them only 14 months apart, and I've always struggled with depression, anxiety and OCD. It took 5 years and a family trauma (that we are still dealing with 2 1/2 years later) before I got the help - and by that I mean medications - that I needed. I'm happy to say that I don't take the anxiety pills so much anymore but I still take the antidepressant daily and it helps my kids and me. So, way to go Natasha! It's hard to admit and talk about but I know you're doing the right thing.
ReplyDeleteTalk about hitting the nail on the head. I have 2 1/2 year old triplets and it sometimes takes everything I've got including meds to get thru the day. I know it won't always be this tough, but I know how you feel. There is guilt that goes along with not being able to "Do it ALL!" but seriously, who does??? I am happy for you for recognizing needing help. Because so many of us due to shame or pride decide we can continue down a path where we continue to struggle and struggle and get nowhere. For me this is the help I needed NOW. In a few years, I may not need it anymore. But for now, I feel like it gives me peace of mind when I'm in need. Good for you for having the courage to accept that this is something you could change...and DID!!!
ReplyDeleteI was always one of those people that said i don't see why/how people need medication, until i needed it my self. I don't have kids but i can relate.
ReplyDeleteA little over two years ago i got misdiagnosed by a doctor. Telling me i had one "thing" when i really had another.I was trying to come to terms with living with the condition i had been "diagnosed" with but it was truly hard.I was in so much pain mental and physical the medication started not working, The pain got worse. I remember driving to work thinking about crashing in to this big tree i seen everyday.
Turns out what was wrong with me wasn't even what was wrong. I was so mad at the doctor.I felt so stupid. I found out what was really wrong and i was still never "right" after that.
ive been on medication for a few years and i can sure it truly help me and i WISH i would of gotten help sooner. There is nothing wrong with taking medicine if you need it
I wish I would have been able to take my anxiety medicine as a 4 year old. No it took 34 years to realize I have anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. I had a nervous breakdown three years ago. My daughter was being tested every other week for leukemia and my mother found out she needed a heart transplant, my sister had a miscarriage, my husband had no work, and thoughts of suicide were strong. I would feel so overwhelmed with anxiety that I would lie on my closet floor in a ball crying and hiding from my life and myself.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as I talked to my dr. who was treating my 8 yr old daughter, he recognized my signs. I was sooooo hesitant to take the medication and I didn't, but as soon as I did, my life changed. I could sleep, eat and talk to my four kids without feeling like I was going to explode at every bad thing they did.
I am so relieved that you shared this. At the time I was at my worst, everyone looked at me like I was crazy, I was trying to find someone to relate to. It was so lonely. It is nice to know we are not alone and if I had this when my kids where little, I would have been such a BETTER mom.
Thank you for sharing. Do what is best for you and your family. It's okay to get help.
Thank you Natasha for sharing this. I have a 13-month-old son who I love to pieces but there have been MANY days where I was just at my wits end. I didn't know which way was up but I had to keep moving because everyone "needed" me. You'll get through it and you are not a bad mother or weak for needing some help. We as mothers tend to judge ourselves against some impossible view of the "ideal" mother. We are imperfect and can't do everything ourselves. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.
ReplyDeleteWow, I'm late commenting (and it looks like you've had your fill of comments) so I'll just say that you've got to do what you've got to do to get through. This too shall pass. After being postpartum 4 times I know that the change in hormones and the severe sleep deprivation can mess with you unbelievably. You are surely not alone!
ReplyDeleteIt was such a relief to read this. I have been struggling with these exact same problems/emotions since my daughter was born. My son and daughter are 23 and 9 months, so they're only 13 months apart. I feel like ripping my hair out most days. It's not fair to me or my kids. I was terrified of taking medication simply because I don't like taking medication and I was afraid of what others would think. After reading this and realizing that this is a normal part of motherhood, I am going to call my doctor today to set up an appointment. As you said, it's a means to an end. What's worse? I take some medication or I let it continue and everyone thinks I'm a total nut. Because that's how I feel sometimes, like I'm losing it. Thank you SOO much for posting this and being such an honest person. You have no idea how you have helped me.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that being a Mom is definitely the hardest job I've ever had to do & you NEVER get a break!! I work FT and currently only have a 2 yr old (Sophie:) So I can't even imagine having 2 of them. HOnestly, I'm not even sure if I want another at this point. My husband works long hours and I often feel like a single Mom with a job, home, child & 2 dogs to take care of. Last month I had a moment where I completely understood why those Moms just abandon their home and jump ship. Sometimes it's just too much and you get to the point that you cant believe what your life has become. So I give you "props" for being so honest. Being a Mom is hard & it doesn't help that we make it harder on ourselves for wanting to "The Perfect Mom".
ReplyDeleteI admire your honesty and you have nothing to be ashamed of! I have two wonderful daughters myself and went through a very similar experience. With my first daughter, I didn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling. I became a different person and was very hard to get along with. Then we had our second daughter and things got worse because I had also gone back to work. I finally saw a doctor. We worked through some techniques to help me deal with the stress and I started taking anti-anxiety medicine and an anti-depressant "just to get me through." I was worried it would be a lifetime of prescribed drugs for me but tried not to think of that because for the time being, it helped me feel better. It was more important for me to be a happy mom to my kids than to worry about the stigma I thought was associated with taking these medications.
ReplyDeleteBasically, I want you to know this really can be a temporary thing while you are finding your footing in your new life with two kids. I took the medication for about 3 years but I am pleased to say, I no longer need it. Things really do get easier! You will eventually get more sleep, you will find a new routine, and you will eventually be able to spend some time on YOU again. Sometimes you just need a little extra help getting there, getting your emotions to slow down while you figure it all out and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
I agree that you need to find a way to get some sleep! Maybe, ask a relative to visit,(one who is understanding) and let them help you out so you can get some naps and extra rest.I also agree that you need to make it easier on your self.
ReplyDeleteMay I suggest that you find a Mommy and Me type of group (you bring the baby). Talking to other moms with kids of the same age really helps.Also there is nothing wrong with finding a professional to talk to, if you really feel totally overwhelmed.You have to be careful with pills to avoid over dependence on them.(Sorry. I am a nurse and I am surprised that no one else has mentioned this.) You are breastfeeding-whatever you take or drink -the baby gets in the breast milk. The baby,can feel when you are upset or tense... So what can you do? A therapist can help you with anxiety issues. You are not alone.(look at all the moms who sent you a comment!!!!)
If breastfeeding is getting to be too much for you, why not try a bottle once in awhile ? Nursing a baby 4 months is wonderful-but there is no law saying you have to nurse her a set amount of time-or for all the feedings.Then Dad could help feed Sophie!(and you could sleep a bit more)
You are a great mother to your little ones. Be good to yourself! The littles ones want their mommy to be happy.
Thankyou for an amazing blog.
I believe that you need to do what is best for you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You are very brave for discussing this issue. Pills can be a tool to help you get through a rough time. As long as they are monitored by your doctor there is no reason to worry or feel ashamed. Sometimes we all need help. Feeling overwhelmed can lead to horrible depression. I know this because my best friend just commited sucide in December. A lot of what she was battling was postpartum. She didn't want to take the meds so she got so overwhelmed and depressed that she decided the only way out was suicide. So please do what you feel is the right thing to get you through this time.
ReplyDeleteSKB
Aw, I so understand. I ended up on Lexapro for the same reason. I work full-time, have a toddler, and put insane pressure on myself to give 100% at work and 100% at home. Marital relations? What are those? At first, I blamed PMS. Then I noticed that the few days of PMS were getting longer. And suddenly, before I knew it, I was an anxious, irritable mess, who had developed a lot of physiological problems, as well, which I KNEW were stress-related. So, I swallowed my HUGE pride and weepily took myself to my doctor... 10mg of Lexapro later, and I am back to myself. I'm busy, I'm stressed, but it's not impeding my ability to function anymore...
ReplyDeleteHowever... please do some research on Xanax. I am a licensed professional counselor - I have done a lot of work in hospitals, with Substance Abusers, etc. Xanax, while safely prescribed by your OB, is one of THE most addictive drugs out there. It is a benzo. If you were to use it for a while and then suddenly go off of it, you could suffer from seizures, etc. Also, Xanax can pass through breastmilk, and Sophie could have the same withdrawal symptoms as you if you were to suddenly stop taking it(or if she were to stop nursing). While I completely support your choice to take medications, I just ask that you please make an educated decision (which you may have) and not just go off of the recommendation of your OB. They are NOT psychiatrists or addictionologists.
It's there for you. If you need it..take it. I know the feeling of Am I bad person for doing this? I have 5 kiddos, one with autism and one with sensory issues.
ReplyDeleteI had postpartum 3 times with my kids. Hated meds. thought I was weak if I took them. Nope. No shame here. I stay home with them and am contemplating homeschooling our special needs kids so i will def need some help on that end!
My husband was very supportive with my decision. I hope to not need them one day. But for now i am okay with it. I am a better Mom and wife because of it.
Thank you. Thank you for your honesty and thank you for having the guts to write down what so many moms feel but are too ashamed to admit. I very much so can relate to what you are feeling. I experienced mild post partum depression after the birth of my oldest son then suffered from severe post partum after the birth of my second son. Thankfully, all went well after I had my daughter. My doctor still felt that I should remain on a mild antidepressant just to err on the side of caution. I remember telling her that I shouldnt have to be medicated to be a good mom to my kids. After all, this is what I've always wanted and now I need to be medicated to handle it? I felt like a failure. She looked me in the eye and told me a good mom would be willing to admit that she needed some help. I decided at that point that I wasnt being a good mom when I was tired, cranky and snippy with my kids. So I faithfully take my "happy pill" because it allows me to be a good mom. It allows me to be the mom that I've always wanted to be. It doesnt mean that it's a forever thing. It's just a right now thing. Take care of yourself. Do what is best for you. And know that you have lots of people rooting for you! Best wishes always.
ReplyDeleteI think you are brave for being honest and starting this conversation. I have seriously been feeling the exact same way as you - even down to waking up with the clenched jaw. Granted I only have one, but she is one strong willed - okay, difficult - 17 month old. I especially feel guilty that I'm so stressed/anxious/depressed all the time because it took us 2 years, tons of heartache, $15,000, and a truly miraculous round of IVF to get her.
ReplyDeleteI've stuggled with depression for many years and have been taking anti-depressants since college. I've just recently upped my meds but it doesn't seem to have helped. Your post has inspired me to go back to my doctor and work something out. I hope the Xanax has been helping you, and I hope this outpouring of comments has made you (and many other moms) know that we're not alone.
What you and most young mothers are feeling is completely normal. Society as we have it does not care about women but most importantly mothers and children. Mothers are not meant to raise young children all alone (9-10 hours alone while Dad is at work). It's hard to complain when a new mother is bombarded with images and ideology of how motherhood is serene and natural and we are meant to do it all by ourselves. But realistically motherhood is hard and we need help we need more hands. Our bodies are still adjusting from pregnancy from breastfeeding, we need more people in our lives everyday, every hour. But we can't complain. However the truth is, we NEED to complain more, we NEED to demand more... then that is the only time that it will change. So now Dr.s are drugging women so we can't speak up. We need to speak up, we need to complain, we need to let the government know we need more help!
ReplyDeleteI suggest you read the book "Misconceptions" By Naomi Wolf. It provides many suggests for how we can approach city planning, government agency etc. We need more help not more drugs. It takes a village to raise a child not a sleep deprived mother.
Hang in there, one day hopefully when our daughters are giving birth things will be better for women.
Hugs! Everyone goes through this and it's a difficult stage. Have you thought about letting Sam go to daycare for a morning or two a week?
ReplyDeleteI think that might help you considerably and she's 2 now so she might really enjoy her time there. It is tricky with a baby and picking up/dropping off the older child but it's worth it for the time apart from each other - it does wonders :) p.s it gets easier when bubs reaches 6 months, 1 yr, 2 yrs etc and they gradually become more independent.
Hi Natasha,
ReplyDeleteIm new to your blog,I have just sat down after putting my 2 children (one 17mth girl and 8mth boy) to bed 20:04 (uk) getting ready to try your Romper suit tutorial whilest my patner (father of both) is also in bed getting the much needed sleep that I should be getting oh well.
I just wanted to say that I know how you feel I also feel numb after giving my all to my children, my patner, trying to keep the flat clean the laundry done and the dinner cooked. Neither of my 2 sleep through the night and I am lucky that my patner sees to my daughter while i see to my son.
Thank you for posting this blog I understand how hard it must of been for you to post it. I have just been refered by my DR to counciling as I refuse to take anti-depresents to help with my stress and anxiety, and they didnt offer me strees medication. It has helped a little to know that there is someone else no matter how far away you are that is feeling exactly like I do, that is going through pretty much what I do day and night.
My advice is take the meds if they help dont worry about it, it will only be for a little while and no matter what people think we are not superwomen we are only human and humans need help every now and then.
I hope this helps. Keep your head up sweetie just keep telling yourself "it will get better". x
Being a mom is the hardest part of being a woman and without honest, real, insight we would all just constantly feel like failures. If we were all as honest as you were, things would be easier. Eff pride, it doesn't help anyone. And something else that I think is terribly hard: Breastfeeding. I tried so hard to breastfeed, but I could never put the kid down! Feed, nap, feed, nap, feed, nap and this continued for 4 or so months. At some point something snapped and I had to decide what was better breastfeeding or a rested, clear minded mommy who could be there for everyone in the family not just cater to baby. I continued to pump but I starting supplementing with formula and home made brown rice cereal and shortly after baby food. The switched made it so much better for everyone. Baby starting sleeping, and mommy started sleeping. I'm not saying this is what you should do, only sharing my trials with breastfeeding. It is hard, very hard. No more pretending like it's not, because we all know it is. Keep your chin up. Whatever help keeps you being the best you can be (for now) is the best thing for you. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Natasha,
ReplyDeleteFirst you are awesome for sharing such personal info to help other women. Its very admirable. I think most of us have been at a point where you NEED some sort of help, for me it was my husbands deployments early in our marriage. Anyways i wanted to write regarding an post from a LPC, I am a LMHC with a specialization in addiction, more specifically YEARS of experience in residential substance abuse treatment facilities (most of which were women only). Your OB is a MEDICAL DOCTOR. They know all the effects of the Xanax, they are aware of the addictive properties of a benzo, and i'm sure they consider this when prescribing. I'm sure your decision was an educated one. Yes you should get off the medication slowly and it does cross into breastmilk but you and Sophie will be fine, just take it as prescribed. I didn't want anyone to spook you away from the medication. I've worked with individuals who have really abused this very medication and they did not have seizures, its possible but rare. I want to stay away from scare tactics because as a LMHC (license mental health counselor) i know the benefits of some medications far out weight the risks. Plus you seem like the type of person who will be constantly assessing your use of the medication and i'm sure you'd see your doctor if you were feeling that you were becoming overly dependent on it or taking more than prescribed. Best of luck to you!
Im sure you dont have time to read all these comments, but I am totally with you on this! I was prescribed the same thing and I too felt just down when i left the doctors office.
ReplyDeleteI feel for ya, I am a mother to 5 kids (7yr old, 4 yr old, 2 yr old, and 7 month old twins). So our house is quite the zoo most days and i feel like i am constantly pushed to my limits on an almost daily basis. I was glad i stepped up and admitted i had an issue with dealing with the household and the kids when the twins were first born. Its nothing you should feel guilty about, we all need help sometimes and if its a pill that helps us cope then we shouldnt feel like less of a mother doing so.
I had stopped taking the pills after 2 months, but my husband and I just found out our son (one of the twins) has a tumor on his brainstem and as of right now it is inoperable...yeah little more stress for mommy to deal with.
I've just recently started reading ur posts and all of ur little crafting things are just adorable! I will be starting a blog soon i hope.
i feel exactly like you. i have one 6 month old daughter and i am sooooo overwhelmed. i take zoloft to help me out but still.. i feel like a walking zombie everyday. i used to want a bus load of kids and now i don't know if i can handle more than one. sleep is a thing of the past, i am grumpy, tired and snap at everyone. thanks for sharing your story, i dont feel so alone now!
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ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this. I too am feeling overwhelmed (as a second-time mum of a 6 month old and a 3 year old) but not on meds. Sometimes I feel like I'm being unreasonable feeling completely overwhelmed when there's hardly anything to be upset about, but it's the unrelenting tasks, the lack of sleep for me and the little one, the constant nursing, and the lack of time to myself that drive me over the edge sometimes. It really helps to know that I'm not the only one.
ReplyDeleteTo Anonymous: you are such a charming person. We need obnoxious, oops, sorry, compassionate people like you!! Really useful comments, I wonder why you bothered...
ReplyDeleteTo Nathasha,
ReplyDeleteIgnore negative comments. We are all different and we all struggle one way or another.
Do what you believe is right for you (although I would not recommend the pills are they are not really the answer). Trust me, the stress doesn't go away thanks to the pills, unfortunately. What you need is support, from your friends, family... You might wanna be brave and ask your mum or sister/s to come over for a while. If you don't want to ask you family or friends for help, you might want to get someone like a post-natal doula to help you out.
Most importantly, learn to manage your stress (I'm a nightmare to be around if I'm hungry or short on sleep). And that, unfortunately is a very very difficult thing to do (my oldest is 6 and I still haven't perfected that skill).
All the best.
Natasha, you have to do what feel right for you. The fact that you have asked for help and are willing to blog about it showing great deal of bravery. I battled my way through for ages when my 2nd child was born, much in the same way you are, no laundry, no meals, no sex, until I finally realised I needed help and saw my doctor. My doctor, like yours very nonchantly prescribed me Prozac as though all mothers should be taking some! The prozac didn't work for me, but I think the admitting I was in trouble did, relieved some of the pressure if you will.
ReplyDeleteWe are all guilty of trying to be Super-mom, and none of us are. We shouldn't be ashamed to admit when we need help.
Most mums I know will agree that going from 1 to 2 babies is the hardest, you have all this new multitasking to do but you are twice as tired.
All I can tell you is to hang on in their, it will get better, and if the pills help as a temporary crutch, then don't be ashamed of it. Your beautiful daughters and husband will love you no matter. xxx.
Hi everyone, please ignore the crazy rantings above if you saw them before I deleted them.
ReplyDeleteWith my husband's job it's just part of the life that sometimes the crazies come out & say all sorts of ridiculous nonsense. No biggie.
Thank you. Just wish you would have written this when I had MY second child. I went through the same thing, and would have been a much better mom and wife had I asked my Dr. for help like you did. There's no shame in it WHAT SO EVER!If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and it WILL get better.
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ReplyDeleteTo the post above: A) I hope YOU are "super smart" because obviously you are fortunate enough to have large amounts of time on your hands....enough to criticize a strangers blog (but of course I'm mistaken because you don't even know how to use capital letters; my apologies) and B) maybe you should spend this time educating YOURSELF on psychology (not to mention the english language), because I do NOT have children and take anti-anxiety medication. This is because I NEED TO, NOT because I have to "get my life in order". Get informed, then comment.
ReplyDeleteYou've gotten so many posts I hope this doesn't get lost in the mix! I wanted to share my secret to getting my 4 months old to sleep much later. At his 5 am feeding I would keep everything dark and quiet and hen put him in his swing ( in his room) instead of the crib. He would sleep until 9:30! Everyone said it was a huge mistake but we needed the rest. When he got too big for the swing at 9 months i started putting him back in the crib and he was so used to sleeping late he didn't even notice! Now he's 2 and goes to bed at 7:30 and wakes at 9! It's worth a try. I know the extra few hours would be golden! Hope it helps. Good for you for taking care of yourself. Also, I get migraines as well. Chiropractic care has been a godsend...
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for asking for help and also for putting it out there on your blog. I ignored my PND for 2 years before getting help and the anxiety I suffered because of it was horrible. In fact I still struggle some days and take medication every single day. I wasn't living my life at all and I was so unhappy.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you posted this!! I am on an anti-anxiety pill after having my first son. I am anxious and tired all the time. The fun loving person I was, is gone because I worry about being a good mom and my son 24/7. Thank you for not making me feel bad for taking the pills that seem to lighten my day. Not many people understand thing, they don't understand why you can't just stop worrying and get over it..
ReplyDeleteThank you! And you need to do what is best for you and your family!!
I feel the same.. I have a 2yr old and 4yr old. And I times I wanna close myself in my bedroom and cry..I also breast feed both of my kids and I would like to caution you on the effects of nursing and pills..What u take baby takes..And I also didnt get sleep at night but when I put my son in bed with me I slept a whole 8hrs..Especially nursing babies. They love the skin to skin contact..Even for a few good nights... Nursing while I slept became so easy...lol..good luck
ReplyDeleteHi Natasha. Your post is probably the most real thing Ive read in a long time. I'm right there with you...but I'm just growing gray hair from stressing all of the time! With 2 girls (3yrs old and 6 months) life does seem to get out of control every now and then. You need to do what you have to do to keep sane. My glass of vino in the evening also at times turns into more than one glass. I think you're an amazing mama and as you know...this too shall pass and before you know it our girls will be headed off to college! Always thinking of you and wishing you the best. xoxox OBIC;)
ReplyDeleteWhat a fabulous post! Women need to talk more about real issues. I have 15 month old twin boys that are VERY BUSY! My husband works 6 days, 60+ hours/week. I often feel like a single momma. Plus I have a home based busines, etc..... I often feel overwhelmed and have some days where I'm about to lose it. I think I had two nervous break downs over the holidays! I, too, have thought about talking to my doctor about taking something. (That would be easier if I had insurance!) All these feelings prompted me to write a post on my blog just last night. Mine wasn't as personal as yours but you may find it interesting! It entitled "Climbing out of a Rut". http://2xthework.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteI am SO behind with all of my online stuff. Sorry for being an absent e-friend. lol I think that you know your situation better than anyone else, and if you are ok with taking something, then so be it. Who is anyone else to judge you?! Good for you to recognize that you need help.
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ReplyDeleteI'm taking that back. Obviously, I'm a bit annoyed that society seems to have gone backwards instead of forward in male/female roles.
ReplyDeleteI hope things improve for you - they really should. It all falls into place in time and I wish you well.
Very informative data It is I like this blog pot thanks a lot for this great information keep posting and updating the blog.
ReplyDeleteSmith ALan
I wanna say you are my hero. Thanks for making this seem more normal. I only have one child and i work full time so I really felt like a loser for needing "mommy pills." Love your blog!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. Thanks for sharing. I have a blog about how I'm dealing with depression and anxiety that you are welcome to read if you ever need to feel like you're not alone, although after all the wonderful comments you've gotten, I doubt you feel that way now!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing this. I felt like I was reading my own story! Everything from the sleep deprivation (my 3rd, who is now 20 months, didn't sleep the 1st year!), migraines, stress, etc. I'm new to your blog and found it by searching for butterfly mobiles. It's awesome by the way. And then I saw this post. Thank you again. Keep the faith, and know that you're not alone. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteHi...Hang in there it does get better. My older son would wake up every 2 hours and drink only 2oz. URG!!
ReplyDeleteWhat helps for me with 2 boys, who are 14 months apart, is making sure i have me time. Some good advice i heard from a pediatrician was to make sure you always keep 25% for yourself. It is not being selfish, it is surviving and making sure you do not have a breakdown.
If you need some medication to get you get through this time don't stress over it, This too shall pass. Good luck! You are doing a great job!
Sigh. I wish I could read all the comments here. It's amazing how many mommies have the pills. I need some of those. I just posted today about how tired I am. My 18 month old still nurses every three hours. Ugh. I also have a 7 & 8 year old and my 8 year old is blind. I love to read blogs of crafty mamas that tell it like it is. Thank you. I too write mostly about sewing but I've gotta keep it real. Some of the blogs I read appear to be written by crafting goddess robots. They are good reads too, but so much better to hear the truth.
ReplyDeletehttp://sascharomeo.blogspot.com/
first off im kinda jelose you have such a day plan all set out i need to start that
ReplyDeletei honestly know exactly how you feel here i have a lil girl who is now 1 year old and she still dose alot of waking me up {somehow hubby sleeps thru it} im a nursing mom as well but now she can have fruits/veggies and such so its getting better
i also have anxiety issues but i haven't done meds in a long time for that
i believe hubby would help me on the weekends more so i could get a lil more rest
also remember it will just get easer and to enjoy the time wile they are little =)
I just found your blog and I'm so happy I did. You should not feel guilty at all for what you have to do to survive! I have 2 boys, 21 months apart. I gave birth to my 1st son when I was 21. My entire 20's have been spent being a stay at home mom, taking care of children and a husband. Meanwhile no one has been taking care of me. It's exhausting and I've gone through many very low points. I've often thought about 'happy pills' to help me get through the rough patch, but have always been concerned over weight gain and the stigma of being on depression medication. I know that sounds vain, but my already down mentaility couldn't handle the idea of my child bearing 'ruined' body being in any worse shape. I've spent so many moments that should have been joyful, sitting on the couch or in bed sleeping, numb to life and the joys of my children. Whatever you can do to help you be present in your husband and childrens lives is a benefit. And I hope you are able to pull through quicker than I did. It took me until my oldest is almost 7 and youngest 5 to realize I needed to change something. Hang in there! Motherhood is the toughest job there is, but also the most rewarding. ;)
ReplyDeleteI love your blog!...and although this is unrelated, it is a great post. My kids are a little older (12 and 9) but I remember how difficult those years were. I commend you on recognizing your needs, reaching out, taking care of YOU and sharing it with the world! I imagine that this post helped someone else in the same spot you were in. Stand in your decision and move forward. By taking care of yourself, you are taking care of your family. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. I too have two little girls [3.5 and 16 months] and I can say with all honesty that they are the reason I was born. However, while they are both beautiful and healthy, my littlest is a stage 5 clinger. I often describe her as a barnacle, she always has to be touching me. I read your post about Sam's separation anxiety and that's my daughter... every day... since the day she was born. Most people are happy when their baby reaches milestones, but I cried out of sadness the day that girl became mobile. It meant i could no longer put her down and go hide for a minute. She always finds me now! On the plus side, with her attachment comes snuggling. She is the cuddliest creature on the planet. I love being a stay at home mom but I do feel that I am would so tightly that I may snap at any minute. I get so claustrophobic being at home all day. But getting out of the house with two kids is a tremendous challenge. I often find that after I have them all dressed with their hair done, I am miles down the road before realizing I forgot to brush my own hair. And worst of all, I am really hard on my husband. He gets home from a long day at work and has to deal with me. And its not him who insists I keep the house looking perfect. Its me. I think if our home is all in place, it will cover up the chaos I feel inside.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm commenting on this WAY late. I did read this when you had posted it and it didn't really hit home at that time. The past 3 months my now 7-month-old has been sick...nonstop. I finally realized I'm really needing to do something because I am sitting on the floor crying with him. I am so stressed that I can't sleep and have been put on Ambian...which is helping me sleep. It's not helping me deal with the stress and overwhelmed feeling. Right now I'm just trying to make it through. I have an appointment with my doctor, who helped me with post partum depression after a miscarriage. I'm hoping I'll have alot of the answers I need after that. We're just all in this together!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this. You are totally not alone. It took my until my daughter was 6 weeks old to finally mention it to my hubby that I was struggling with "baby blues". We ended up going to the dr. and she did put me on medicine...I did feel ashamed, but now I know...it was the BEST thing. Praying for all of your women and continue to pray for me!
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