Why are you letting your baby cry???

Ok, let me start off by saying that I'm very torn about whether or not to write this blog.

I know there are lots of loving wonderful moms who are probably going to completely disagree with what I'm about to say, and I'm sorry, I don't want this to seem like I'm judging other parents but at the same time I'm SO ANGRY right now I could scream! So that's what blogs are for right? To vent?

Here it goes...

I get updates every week from www.babycenter.com about what milestones Sam might be hitting this week and other neat articles. (I strongly recommend signing up for this as soon as you learn your preggers, I really looked forward to getting an email each week on my baby's development) Anyway, my one this week had links to different videos about sleep. If you've been reading my blog than you know that I'm going crazy with Sam waking up at night, I couldn't click on the link fast enough. First I watched the video on the Sears method, Dr. Sears is all about comforting your baby and installing a sense of security for your child to become confident and independent through affection and bonding. I mostly agreed with all of it. The 2nd video however was the Ferber method, probably better known as "cry it out". It's never sat well with me when people would tell me that they let their babies cry at night, sometimes for hours, and now that I have a baby I can't even fathom just letting Samantha scream thinking that she's all alone, but, I decided to be fair and that I would watch that video as well. Perhaps I didn't fully understand it. Well...I understand alright, and I'm PISSED.

How are mothers getting sucked into this? Listen to your maternal instincts, is it killing you inside to hear your baby scream for you and you have to just walk away and leave them to figure it out? That's a sign that what you're doing isn't right, I'm all about listening to your gut.

According to this video you start out by coming back into your baby's room every 3 min to comfort them (without picking them up) and then walking away. That seems fine enough to me but then you're supposed to slowly increase the amount of time you let them cry until your up to hours, this poor baby in the video is the same age as Sam and screaming his head off because all he knows is him mom usually nurses him to sleep but now he's in this strange environment, all alone, with no skills on how to put himself to sleep, and mom isn't coming to help him. He's absolutely WAILING for his mother. THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

Yes, these parents are tired I'm sure, I know that feeling too well, but you can't use your own selfishness to all of a sudden decide that your infant needs to figure it out on their own. You decided to have a baby, here are the consequences.

Now I know as I'm rereading this that it sounds really harsh but I can't stand that mothers are letting their babies suffer. Let me also take a moment to say that what I'm talking about doesn't apply to older babies or toddlers. I'm talking about little ones who are screaming because they honestly don't know what to do, they don't know your just down the hall and they're perfectly safe. This isn't a battle of wills, not when they're infants, I am certain that when Sam cries when she wakes up from a nap it's because she's alone in her room and doesn't know where I am. So I come and put those fears to rest. Mommy is right here, and always will be. Don't you want your baby to know that?

My other pet peeve is when "cry it out" moms point to the result..."Well my baby cried for hours but then fell asleep on on his/her own." Well of course they did, they're exhausted from screaming! But what damage have you done? Your baby has given up on that you're going to come and meet his need. I don't know about you but I always want Sam to know that I'm going to meet her needs. To me that is the epitome of a confident child.

I'm also probably coming to this breaking point because this video is just the icing on the cry it out cake. A friend of mine is letting her baby cry it out and she's even younger than Sam, she said that the baby cried for hours every night for 5 nights and then gave up and slept. It absolutely broke my heart. Then last week I was at Whole Foods and picked up a copy of "Mothering" magazine because it had several articles about sleeping. One of the articles was about how many pediatricians are now cautioning parents not to let their babies "cry it out" because when an infant is under extreme distress, such as when left to cry for long periods of time, their bodies release large amounts of cortizone which is now shown to impede brain development. Memory development in particular which they believe can lead to learning disabilities later in life. Now I will give you that "Mothering" is a pretty earthy hippy magazine and is a bit one sided but I'm not going to risk it. Those doctors are confirming what my gut is telling me. It's just not the natural thing to do.

So am I saying that you're stuck with comforting your kid until one day they magically decide to sleep on their own? Of course not, I feel very strongly that there needs to be some separation- Peter and I need some time to ourselves, I need sleep and Sam needs to learn to soothe herself. There are other options to get there however than just letting your baby scream until they fall asleep. What I've decided to go with is Tracy Hogg's approach in the "Baby Whisperer". Basically, she's big on routines so your baby can learn to expect nap and bedtime and when it's time to sleep you gradually teach your little one how to soothe themselves. She gives details on how and they've worked like a charm for getting Sam to nap, I can't believe she's actually falling asleep by herself in her crib! Now I just need to figure out how to keep her from waking up at night, and you know what? I'm not sure there's a cut and dry answer to that...but I do know that when I decided I wanted to be a parent I was making a commitment to give my everything to this little person and that no matter how exhausting or self-sacrificing it might be I'm in it and I have to choose what's best for her.