(WARNING: Possible Senseless Blabber Ahead)
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I guess it's just something about when life is changing. You're going through a new adjustment period, it makes you reassess your life.
For those of you who have been around awhile you might remember several blabber posts after Samster was born. Perhaps it's also a bit of crazy hormones & sleepless nights but whatever the reason I've been thinking & for some reason I want to write about it & share with you. (and the internet)
I don't know why but lately I'm not happy with being a housewife.
Do I think being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest jobs on Earth?
Yes.
Do I think that raising good, smart, happy & well-loved children is one of the greatest contributions you can give society?
Absolutely.
But for some reason I still feel bad about being just a mom.
I've always had a hard time with finding my identity. In college I changed my major three times.
THREE.
1st was Marine Biology. I was going to train Flipper.
Next was Criminology. I wanted to be a hardcore yet sexy District Attorney & make the world a better place. This was coincidentally the same time that Law & Order was a really good show & only took place in one city. (L.A. Edition? Really? It's time to let it go NBC.)
Finally I settled on Telecom Journalism. I was always good at public speaking & performing & since I wasn't gung-ho enough to pack my bags to L.A. to be an actress a news anchor seemed like a good, stable option. I was actually really good at it. Best in my class if I'm allowed to brag a bit. But I was too scared of failing, when it came time to send out our reels for job opportunities I found every excuse not to. I procrastinated until after graduation & then took a job in Marketing because "I had to pay the bills". (That was my excuse for not pursuing what would really make me happy, I had to be responsible & realistic. Rent was due after all. But if I was honest it was just out of fear that gave up so easily)
And that brings us to today. A few marketing & PR jobs later, that I was more than happy to give up, & I'm home raising two beautiful, wonderful little girls.
I know I'm incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to stay home. I know this. Please don't take this post as me not knowing how good I have it. It's just that when I see people and they ask what I'm up to nowadays I feel a little bit of shame to say I'm a stay-at-home mom. Why is that?
Sometimes I think the person I'm talking to is thinking "Oh. Well, looks like she married well & took the easy way out. What a waste." Isn't that terrible?! But for some reason I think these crazy things.
The other day I was watching the Today show & they were doing a blurb on the cartoonist who draws "Cathy". She was talking about how she started the cartoon by drawing little pictures of funny things in her life & sending them to her parents. She sent the collection to an editor on a whim & the comic strip was born. I actually caught myself thinking, "Aha! I could do that! I'll draw comics of my crazy life with babies (poopsplosions would make great content) & will finally have a job I love, that I can be proud of, & that I can do while still being a stay at home mommy. Perfect!" Then I thought about how the conversation would go when I tell P that I no longer want to be a lactation consultant (job #24) & I'm going to be a cartoonist. I can see the eye rolls now. Although that's not really fair, one thing my husband has always been is incredibly supportive of every job I've tried. It's actually really sweet. He's pretty darn awesome. But see, this is what happens, I think I'll fail or people will think I'm silly & then I just don't try. Ugh.
Does anyone else have a dream still of what they want to be when they grow up?
I'm 30, is it time to just accept my path & learn to appreciate it instead of wishing I had something else?
Is this all a selfish rant? I should be focusing on my kids, right?
Do I have "grass is greener" syndrome where I always think I'll be happy if I was just doing something else or is it just that I haven't found my passion yet & as soon as I do it will *click* & I'll finally feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do.
Is this all just nonsensical blabber? Is that even a word?
Am I going to regret publishing this post for all to see?
Am I talking too much?
Yes. That one I know the answer to. Time to hit publish & have a glass of wine. Oh wait, it's 2pm. I suppose a soda would be a nice treat too. And a brownie. Yum.
I go through these fits every once in a while too. The 'am I living up to my full potential' thing. I think it's normal, and I think any 'career' has it, whether it's stay at home mom or train engineer or whatever. We wouldn't be leaving ourselves open to growth if we didn't wonder if we could be more once in a while. Also, I find being stuck at home a lot (like with a new baby, or during potty training) gets you really restless and has you more likely to feel stuck in a rut and wanting for more. For now maybe you could try something fun, like see if people would be interested in meeting up for craft lessons. You could charge x for supplies and stuff, get out, have fun with people, teach something, and you'd probably be surprised to find how many people are willing! You could teach how to make fabric flower accessories or something simple like that to start with. :)
ReplyDeletei totally know how you feel! i struggled with what i wanted to be, changed my major a million times, finally just took a dental assisting course and graduated with my associates degree. Now i stay at home with my kids while my husband attends school in hopes of joining the active army (he's in the national guard now) and i often find myself thinking of all the things i could be missing out on, but then things happen that make me realize that this is really what i've wanted to be all my life, and that i need a hobby, because tending to your kids isn't a hobby.
ReplyDeleteWhat you write is what I think many SAHM's feel. It is totally normal. I felt it for sure. Staying at home just isn't as instantly rewarding as when you are at a job. You don't get slaps on the back for doing a good job or pay increases for your effort and efficiency, let alone a paycheck. Those come later in life when the raising is all done, and you see your hard work blossom into a well rounded mini you. But you will go crazy if you don't find something that you can do for you in the mean time, you might get resentful, so think about what you can do here and there that will make you feel like you are doing something for just for you. When you are happy, the family is happy.
ReplyDeleteAs my grandmother approached her 80th birthday she said to me, "I suppose it's time I decide what I want to be when I grow up." I looked at her thinking she was joking. She was dead serious. I've tried to take that to heart and realize, you're never so old that you should just accept your path and forget the things that could have been or you might like to be. And, changing your mind a million times is not a bad thing. You're becoming a truly well rounded person as you dabble in different things.
ReplyDeleteI understand completely! I have always wanted to be able to stay at home when kids came into the picture. Now my little man has arrived and I'm happy to be here with him (not to mention blessed)! But I didn't figure out what I wanted to be before he came around for when he gets older (I plan to go back to work when he goes to school) I am planning on getting my Master's in Education to become an elementary school teacher but I just don't know - scared (for so many reasons) I think I will like (love possibly)being a teacher but scared is all I can say
ReplyDeleteSo - after all my blabber (I love your word :]) I guess I'm trying to say you are not the only one feeling this way!
I'm a blog lurker, not a commenter, but I just wanted to say that I completely feel you on this. I stay home too, and while home actually went back and finished my degree with no intention of actually using it. Some days I feel like I am completely wasting my talents by sitting here and keeping up with my toddler and incubating her sister. Like somehow this insanity that is my everyday life is the easy way out. But, I have friends that are very career driven and are SO satisfied about the work that they do, but miss out on so many things in their kids' lives, and I feel to the depths of my heart that that is not the path I am intended to take. In 20-30 years, I can look back and remember how much fun I had making a silly tutu for my daughter and watching her twirl around like a goof, and they will have forgotten the big case that they missed their son's soccer games for. I say give yourself 6 months, and if you still feel like you are missing something in your life, dive in and try it. That's the nice thing about staying home, you can always come back. Just wanted to let you know that you are far, far from alone. In the ephemeral present, my materialistic suggestion is a long pedicure alone followed by dinner with some girlfriends and time to be you and not Mommy.
ReplyDeleteI'm 34 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up too. I love being home with my kids but plan on going back to work in 4 years when my little guy starts grade 1 and I have NO IDEA.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog!
Jill
I have been reading your blog for a while now, but never commented.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a SAHM and in fact, I dont have any kids, but I do understand the way you feel. I have been working -doing clerical work- full time for 11years (will be 32yrs old in Nov.)As of late, I feel like I should be doing something different. (forensics, social work)The loans, hours of studying, fear of failure-all keep me from trying.
At this age, everyone seems to believe that I should have started a family or at least have a prospect in the horizon....ugh, another story! LOL
Been creative all my life, I just never felt I had the time for such things.
In the past year, I have embraced my creative side- which is how I've come across your blog- WHICH I LOVE :)
I started a blog which I never tend to...shame on me.
I think a lot of women (with and I'm sure without children!) deal with this from time to time... I know I do: http://practicalstepmom.wordpress.com/2010/02/24/who-am-i-today/
ReplyDeleteI think it's particularly hard when you want to make a difference or at least feel like you're doing something worthwhile and don't want to accept anything less for yourself... you always want something more. Not that what you're doing isn't enough, but... hopefully you know what I mean! I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
I compleeeeeeeeeeeetely understand you! I've been the same way (changing my mind all the time about what I want to do, fearing failure too much to try, thinking people will think I'm silly, and feeling bad when I tell people I'm a stay at home mom like they're looking down on me). On top of that I have very critical parents who do not think being a stay at home mom is a job and actually do look down on it (I'm 26 years old).
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this. I hope you're able to be happy whether that means finding something you want to do, finding the courage to try, or being happy with yourself and what you already do.
Hi there! I'm a blog lurker who never comments. I'm also a momma (1 yr old twins) and who works full time.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about figuring out what direction to take my career. I finish grad school in 2 months and I still have dreams of jobs that aren't related to my degrees at all :)
I think mommas are notorious for being extra hard on themselves and want to be the best role model they can be to their kids. Talk about pressure!
Mommas are amazing and your blog brings us all together...you should be really proud of that!
I am so happy you said this. I am the *exact* same way. I changed majors in college, got a useless liberal arts degree and I still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. But for right now, mommy suits me. Along with the 9000 other things I want to be. :)
ReplyDeleteAs many have mentioned, you are SO not alone in these feelings. Much of them are probably being fueled by post-partem-ism. It seemed so much more overwhelming when I had my second. I couldn't find that me/creative time, my house was ALWAYS a mess, and there was distinct appeal to having a recognised "job". Stay the course and you will find the joy again. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post!!!!!!!! I am 45 days away from being 30....I wonder constantly what my "grown" up job will be.
ReplyDeleteYou have created a wonderful blog, great tutorials, inspired others to make projects. You are a wonderful crafter, mother, wife etc.
Those feelings are no reason to feel guilty! I had a fanstastic career with tons of potential, but found myself longing to hang it up and "just be a mommy." One precious little boy later, and I often wonder when it's time to jump back into the workforce and have a nice paycheck again. Or is it time to have another one and extend the big hole in my resume? I go back and forth a lot, but the one constant is that I take a little time each days to count the blessings God has given me.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. Not because you're feeling conflicted about being a SAHM, but because I love reading things and knowing that there is someone out there that feels exactly how I feel too! I wanted to be a Fly Girl for In Living Color when I grew up, but I guess that boat has sailed! Haha! I've been in a group called Mom to Mom for the past few weeks and this exact topic has come up. One of the women in my small group said that every time she had the feeling of wanting to see the greener grass, she noticed that feeling was a signal to her that something was out of balance in her life. Some need she had was not being met. Her sharing that was a HUGE "a ha!" for me. For me, my area out of balance was not having anything just for me. I started a craft blog and that has helped tremendously. I love being able to think creatively, work with my hands and contribute to something bigger than just me and my family. Remembering who we were before having kids and making sure we still take care of that person is a tricky balance!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the LOOOOONG comment! But bottom line - best to you. Lactation consultant, blogger, crafter, mother, wife - and that's just all I know about from your blog. But it seems like there are a LOT of things you are doing!! Best to you!!
I think you have many talents and are a kind, caring person and mother. I hope you find your passion or maybe just to be content and at peace with where you are and who you are. I have a Master's degree and work full-time from home and have a 3 yr and 1 yr old. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom. But I haven't been able to do that yet. In the meantime I have learned to accept and make the best of what my life is at this time. But you know there are seasons in life and things change all the time, different opportunities arise. Just be sensitive to where your heart is leading you to. Your on the right track!
ReplyDeleteGirl, I'm 52 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I am blessed at this time in my life however, to be able to stay home and be a "domestic engineer", reading blogs and sewing along with the blessing of keeping my grandchild part time. This is as close to my dream job as I think I will ever get. If I even knew what my dream job was...;) So, don't feel alone in this. To every thing there is a season, and your season will change countless times as your children grow, and your life unfolds. Sometimes we think the grass is greener, and we find it's pretty brown over there....
ReplyDeleteI think that kind of doubts are what make us humans, the perpetual doubt: as a portuguese song says 'Estou bem aonde eu não estou Porque eu só quero ir Aonde eu não vou' (I'm fine where I am not Because I just want to go Where I will not).
ReplyDeleteThat said, I think that your fears can be stoping you do discover your potential and you should do something about that. Afterall would you like that one of your children didn't accomplished something just for fear? You know the worse fear is the fear itself. So you may try and fail, and what? Can't you try again? is that make you any less? Go! Go and discover yourself!
I just recently found your blog and I LOVE it! I too am a mom of two little girls...but I work full time. I spend my days dreaming, planning, plotting ect. on how I can work from home so I am not spending so much time away from them. I absolutely HATE the field I work in. I always think, there has to be more to life than this, right? But the thought of going back to school and starting a new career is tiresome just thinking about it. Not to mention my overwhelming fear of well, Failing! So, you are not alone. When I read your post it literally sounded like something I've been battling lately too (just on the flip side.) I wonder if the grass is always greener...
ReplyDeleteChange keeps me on my toes- wakes me up when I need a jolt in life. Maybe you just need to add a little change :)
I am going through the same thing. Actually right before I decided to check blogs I was talking to my Mother about wanting " More" than being a SAHM. What we do is important but sometimes its hard to remember that when your big outing for the week is Target. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI went through something similar, went back to part time work, a job I used to love, and remembered very quickly why I loved being home! I think what has worked for me is thinking about what I want in life and just accepting what I have. I have started to really focus on my family, like I have started a vegie patch to grow healthy food for them, I sew creative clothes for them, I look for opportunities to help my girls develop emotionally, socially etc and I also started taking an hour each day to just put into myself to get fit and do exercise I love. For the moment I am really content and I know my career is waiting for me down the track. I basically have decided that my family is my 'job' and like all jobs there are bits I hate (housework) and bits I love (catching up with friends for playdates). Everyone is different though and my life might be quite boring for some people. I love it though.
ReplyDeleteI definitely know how you feel. I struggle with these same feelings every day - except that I have a full time job.
ReplyDeleteI always thought that I wouldn't want to be a stay at home mom because I'd get "bored" when the kids went to school or out or napped or whatever. So, I went out and got myself a full time job.
Now, I'm sitting here ruing the day I decided to work full time. I despise it because we're up at 5am, leave by 6:30am, get home at 5:30pm and then it's time to make dinner and get ready for bed. I never see my daughter! And the worst part? My full time job makes me work an hour in the evenings, too.... with no overtime pay.
I would love to spend a few years as a stay at home mom just to enjoy my dd, but I still feel like there would be times when I'd feel bad doing only that, too. I wish I could find a happy medium.
I hear you sister! I soooo soo hear you. I have been on both sides of the fence and when I was working I though being a SAHM would be a piece of cake. All art projects and cookie baking. Then I became a SAHM to a 3 year old and a brand new baby. And I became depressed. Its been 3 and a half years and I have finally found my groove but still struggle with my self worth and not having my own money. I miss working and the mental challenges. I miss adult conversation, going out to lunch, breaks alone, feeling important. But like you I appreciate I have to opportunity and know this is best for my child. For me being a SAHM sometimes feels like I am living the sad day over and over again.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh I know how you feel. I had my son when I was young (really young -- 16) moved out and got my 1st apartment when I was 17. So I had to work my butt off -- I worked full time when I was in HS, plus baby sat some kids while my neighbor worked 3rd shift. Graduated, went to college but taught preschool so I never had to leave my son (I was nervous anyways about leaving him but he also has autism and that made me super nervous). Went to school for early childhood education (that's what I was doing anyways) and then he started kindergarten. Had to quit preschool to work as a teachers assistant so I didn't have to leave him. Switched major to elementary edu. We moved, he was in 1st grade and new school not hiring. I freaked out. Seriously. Got a job as a part time manager at Gymboree. For my son. Realized that I love kids, and liked teaching but it's not "the job". Realized my son doesn't even care about clothes and quit gymboree. This is my 1st week as a stay at home mom - to a child who is in school all day? My hubby and I are hoping to get pregnant soon (we've suffered a miscarriage recently but the dr. said hopefully soon) and I am hoping that maybe? this is where I want to be. I love my son - but everything I've ever done since 16 has been for him. Somedays I feel like I don't even know who I am.
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of a perfectionist. I decided I would be the best damn house wife there was. Punch line: So I went to the library and checked out books on how to be a housewife, home management and so forth. Seriously. I did.
Good luck! We'll all figure it out!
Natasha, you're not alone. It looks like the senseless blabber is pretty much what a lot of SAHM are thinking. I've been a SAHM for about 2 years and still have 2 more years to go ( I currently live in Italy where work for spouses are limited and SAHM's are 99.5% of the american community) There are times when I'm like...yes it's great to sleep in but then there are other times when my day just seems like a total loss of repetition of cleaning and cooking dinner. I go school and take college courses, but like you have changed my major many times for fear of not being able to succeed in that field or I find that it's not what I really want or expected.
ReplyDeleteAs of late I have accepted that I will have to make the best out of my situation and will use the free time to finish a degree (Associate in Business)so I can at least say that 4 years in Italy were progressive. I am also completing my pre-req's for Nursing, so when I return to the states, I will have a goal to reach and can start in a career that has always been on the list of "what I want to be". Anyways don't feel bad that your a SAHM, because there's always that person who wishes they had more time with their family, or were at home than at work or those who wishes that they raised there kids VS the nannies. Be happy that you can be there for your beautiful daughters and when the time suits you right, jump in feet first to find out what makes you happy. Be afraid to fail, not failing to try.
-JD LOVE THE KANE SHOW ON HOT 99.5!
Good job of capturing all the ups and downs of whatever path we choose because it (at least temporarily) cuts off other paths. Of course you shouldn't be ashamed to be a stay-at-home mom, but easier said than done. I work full-time and know that it's the right choice for me but i think if there was shame mixed-in you'd have some dissatisfied feelings no matter what you chose. Not an easy fix of course.
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to your post because i'm on the other side with my husband. I'm the one that's always been more or less certain about my life choices. My husband however, is the tortured soul always dreaming up new careers. Shift from lawyer to cook anyone? I like to think i've always been supportive but it's helpful to hear the internal struggles that go along with not being sure which is the career/life path for you.
A part of me envy you staying at home with you girls, having this blog and your creativity, your creations.
ReplyDeleteI guess life is ever changing and that we need dreams to aspire to, even if we never get there.
I'm just not cut out to stay at home with my little girl (2 y), know this from my 9 month mat-leave, I counted the days till I could get back to work, back to being Camilla 'the woman' not Camilla 'the mom', contend with Camilla 'the wife/girlfriend'.
I dont know if I'll ever realy figure it out but as time has gone by, I now long for more 'home time', i just cant find the time or the money to do so...
Thank you for sharing your blog and life, you are an inspiration.
I check out your website quite often as I like to make little 'somethings' for my granddaughters which are a little different from shop bought items. I have just read your comments about staying at home. I am now 62 and stayed at home with my children which was the norm here in Australia in those days. Some days it seemed like I would be permanently attached to a nappy (diaper in your language) bag which went with me wherever I went when they were littlies and I looked forward to when those days would end.
ReplyDeleteNow I wish I had them back again as it is such a special time although it can be boring and lonely at times till hubby comes home, but I now think of them as the best time of my life as I was creating a solid foundation for them for the rest of their life. My daughter is now doing the same with her girls.
These feelings will come and go and are quite normal but these days will come to an end before you know it and you can look back and know that you have done the best for them that you have been able to.
Wow, aren't ya glad you posted this. I am the opposite. I work and wonder if I would be happier at home even though 2 of my kiddos are school age. The world is your oyster, I truly believe there is a happy medium we just have to take the risk and find it. Good Luck to u (and me).
ReplyDeleteHey Natasha! You have my life! I took 5 years to finish college and then went back to get a masters that I never finished to avoid the "real" world. I have a degree in Costume Design for the theater and there are a lot of days you figure out how to make clothes way better than me and I supposed to able to!!! :) Maybe you are looking too hard for a thing to do. I think you seem to get a lot of pleasure from making Sam's and Sophie's clothes and you have talked about making beads and necklaces. Make it a hobby turned business. Make badge holders for the nursed with covered buttons. Make nursing blankets for the babies that you help their moms and dads. Make a label from the tutorial on LLB. Something simple like that may be all you need. Something to call JUST your's. No sharing!!! :) Also, the nursing bracelets sell those! That was an awesome idea! You could start very subtle with those and recommend them and see how the women react. Hopefully it will be OK.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate. I've been a stay at home mom for 6 years and just started working a couple months ago. I'm a Cookie Lee jewelry consultant so I work as much or as little as I want to which is about once a week. It's a fun girls night out for me to socialize with other women and I make pretty good money while doing it(I'm saving for a disney cruise for my family). I really needed the adult interaction and I don't have girlfriends so my job isn't really a job as a sort of social life for me right now. I wear beautiful jewelry and I feel like a women and not so much like a frumpy sweatpant wearing mom. Since you don't seem to actually need the income, take the time to do something for you, it really feels great, I promise.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand all of this. I think that other stay at home moms look at me like I have 5 heads when I tell them that I can't wait to go back to school and work. I absolutely love staying home with my children and I know that it's best for them right now and I would never take this opportunity for granted. I tell people all the time that I am using my bachelor's degree to raise my children right now. While some woman are destined to be stay at home moms and housewives forever, I am NOT one of them. And I don't feel bad about that at all, and neither should you! To be honest, when you are telling people that you stay at home, and you feel like they are saying "What a waste", in reality they are probably envious that they aren't or weren't able to do the same for whatever reason (because I understand that sometimes daycare is inevitable and I'm not knocking it...just in case any working moms are reading). Staying at home is by far the hardest job in the world! You NEVER get a day (or minute) off! Be proud of what you are doing for your children. Good luck figuring things out.
ReplyDeleteI didn't read the other comments, but I am sure you got a lot of this... "OMG, I totally know how you feel." And if you didn't then I am saying it and it's funny that you wrote this now because it is exactly how I have been feeling. I love the gift of being able to stay home but I need more. Finding out what that "more" is is always the tough challenge. We have a baby on the way in May, so my challenge will have to be put on hold, but next year, I am going to do a little spring cleaning on my life and try and come up with something to fulfill what I feel I need. I wish you luck and want to thank you for talking about it.
ReplyDeleteI see you've gotten a lot of what I was going to say already, but since I clicked over to comment, I'll go ahead and do that...
ReplyDeleteI, too, am 30 and very often pinned down by fear of making the wrong choice. I got a degree in communication and was so sure of it, but my husband and I got serious my junior yr of college and I knew I'd be marrying him and moving to a VERY rural area (like our big shopping is a Super Walmart), and besides loving him and the area, it was almost a relief to switch to being a teacher because I knew I would be good at it and I wouldn't have to put myself or my writing out there for people to judge.
After teaching 3 years, our 2nd was born and I went on extended maternity leave. There are many days that I feel frustrated with no forward progress in my life. I feel like my kids don't listen to me since they're with me so much, like the housework never stops and I don't enjoy it in the first place, that I don't have a lot of friends anymore since most of my friends work and can't talk during the day and are busy at night with their families, that I'm missing out on being Kelli and have only become Emma and Oren's Mom or Chris' wife. And some days, I honestly miss teaching and the progress I made in my classroom with kids.
This last summer I was offered 2 teaching positions right before school started and I really considered them for all of the above reasons and also being at the school with my kids. But then I had to realize that going back to teaching would mean all housework had to be done in my "free time," I'd have more money to buy crafting supplies but no time to do any, my kids would have to get up earlier and stay at school every afternoon for an hour while I worked instead of going by the library, park or ice cream shop with me instead. I'd trade being known as their Mom for being known as so-and-so's teacher. Basically, I'd be trading one set of "troubles" for another. And when I mentioned to my husband how all the teacher friends I talked to made it seem like it would be such an easy transition for me, he reminded me that many of them would glady switch with me and not only that, but they wanted me to come back, so they made it seem great. No one mentioned faculty meetings, angry parents, trainings, etc...
So now that I've blabbered a blog post myself, I'm trying to tell you that you are completely not alone. You are growing. In life, you either change and grow or you get left behind. Moments of self doubt don't mean you're on the wrong path, just that you're checking to make sure you're still on the right one. No one can tell you what is best for your life but you and your family. Look to them, and to God (if that's your thing) for where you should be. Hug your sweet girls and your husband and know that you are an amazing woman with many talents. Not using all of them doesn't mean you are wrong or holding back in life. There's a season in life for everything and you may need those talents later on...
Hope this helped a little! Thanks for being brave enough to let us all talk about it. It'll help us all!
I think if we are HONEST...we all feel it. I don't want to NOT be a stay-at-home Mom, but I too struggle with the loss of identity. But in reality...i think I put too much identity into what I did before kids. (I too did PR). And now that I've been removed from it for a few years, I wonder why I even thought it mattered! But I think what I miss is having people listen to my idea...to have acknowledgement and appreciation for the work i've done. We don't get that at home...even with the best of husbands. I guess the appreciation should be in those smiling faces...but let's face it...they are naughty and sassy and they make a mess! ha. So...let me acknowledge YOU...your blog is fun to read, intelligent and honest. You do great work..I say you deserve a raise! =-) Hang in there..you are NOT alone!
ReplyDeleteHow funny that I have been feeling exactly this way too lately.... I too am a stay-at-home Mom. And there are days were I feel "why am I doing this?" Obviously not for myself! Some days I'm proud of my sacrafice, some days I feel I want to go to work just to get a social life.... how sad and pathatic that sounds....LOL
ReplyDeleteI have to say, when I stumbled on your blog, it made me feel I'm not alone! Thank-you for your post! Tomorow is monday morning, and I have a renewed perspective for my "job". My life's calling really.....
Mom of 5+dog
I definitely think I have "the grass is greener" syndrome! I think what you are feeling is quite normal (especially with a newborn and a toddler.) It's hard. When I had my second baby, I stayed home from working for one year. When he was one, I had to get a part-time job because we needed a little extra money, and I NEEDED some sanity. I worked 3 hours a day and it was a great thing to get out of the house and be something besides just a mom. The adult conversation was great. Hang in there. There are a lot of women who feel similar to you!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. I have never known what I want to be when I grow up (i'm almost 30), and being a stay at home mum to 3 girls was definelty not part of my plan ( I didn't want kids at all!). But the thought of returning to work still undecided fills me with dread so for now I am happy to be a "self employed domestic goddess"! ( at least thats what I tell any one who asks)
ReplyDeleteI am a work at home mom. A lot of people think I have the best of both worlds, but what I wouldn't give to be able to just stay at home full time with my kids without having to divide my attention between them and my job.
ReplyDeleteI am 33 and will be having baby #3 in 11 days. I think of all the stuff that I could be doing with my kids and without them during the time that I have off for maternity leave. Of course it won't happen...but I can dream.
In the mean time for the need to be doing something else other than being a mommy, and who doesn't feel the need to stretch themselves, do something for someone else. Like something that you can do at home but will also get you involved in the local community. I had a friend complain to me once that she didn't know what to do with herself because now all her kids were in school. I was amazed because I have all these ideas that I want to do once my kids are in school and maybe one day I will be able to stay at home to do those things. Like volunteering at their school or being involved in the local woman's shelter. I feel that there is so much more that I could be doing for the community around me than just working and bringing home a paycheck. Although we need that too... : )
Wow, not only reading your post but all the comments makes me feel better! I have only been staying home for almost a year, and I do run an online business so I feel like I am doing something BUT...I totally relate on the school professional career aspect :) I have seriously gone to school or researched becoming XXX about a million times! You are definitely not alone!
ReplyDeleteI have no clue what I want to do when I grow up--but it has to be something creative..I do know that. I am 44.5 years old YIKES
ReplyDeleteI wish I had blogs such as your when my kids were little, how nice to be able to vent and rejoice with others in the days little ( and big) Joys! I wish I could go back to being a SAHM, it is tough but it is also a GREAT job.
www.148cookiestreet.blogspot.com
Have you ever thought of being a writer??? I mean you do post these blogs and to me they are captive and entertaining!!!! That would defiantly be something you can do while being at home with your beautiful baby girls.
ReplyDeleteI think every SAHM has felt this way at one point or another. My general impression is that you enjoy people, which is a bit like me, and after child #3, I finally figured out that my desire to "work" was because I craved interaction with people. Adult people. Fortunately for me, I found a wonderful balance. My husband is a dentist, so I went to work in his office 2 days a week. But my kids are a bit older than yours -- my youngest is about the same age as Samster.
ReplyDeleteI think you have to examine why you feel this way right now -- is it because you want to contribute financially to your family life, or is it something YOU need to feel like an adult? Do you want a complete break from the girls while you work, or are you content to do something that involves them?
With all your crafty ideas and skills, I would consider starting a craft club for kids. You could either charge money and make a profit, or just ask those who participate to take turns bringing supplies. This would get you talking with other parents (face-to-face), sharing your knowledge, and if you make it a business, you'll be able to use the marketing experience you have to get it going. Never be afraid to pursue an idea or dream, no matter how crazy it may sound! :)
I am waiting for the day when I can become a WAHM, I get a little taste of what being a SAHM is like every summer when school is out, and I love it! I get to be with my baby full time and craft a lot more. When we decide to have #2 I'm sure that will all change. I am a bit envious of you actually. You have such great ideas and your blog is awesome. I love reading your posts and tutorials. Find some time to do something for yourself, and never let your dreams die. My mom just figured out what she would really enjoy doing in life (and she's 50). My husband will never figure out what he wants to do, he can't think of one thing he would want to settle down do commit to being there "forever". Sigh, maybe one day he'll make millions :)
ReplyDeleteI dont think there is anything wrong with feeling like you need to be more than just a SAHM. My dream is to be a SAHM, but its not for everyone. I do still think you should continue with boobie school. I think you would be amazing at it. As for your kids, if you do decide that you need to be more than a SAHM, perhaps you should wait 5 years until they are in school? They may not know it now, but being at home with you is better than any daycare or any Nanny (And I am a Nanny!). So maybe figure out what it is you want to do and do it once they start school? Just my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteMe again (Amanda),
ReplyDeleteAnother thought that may help you deal, if its a social thing. Have you thought about putting Sam in a preschool program? B was in preschool and made so many friends that we always had playdates and I made friends with his friends moms. I loved being a nanny so much more then because I wasnt having a conversation with a 2 and 5 year old all day, there were adults to talk to! Now that I am nannying twin infants and a 2 year old who doesnt have preschool and im in a new area, I sometimes feel like the walls are closing in. I dont know anyone in Frederick. I need adult conversation! But just remember it gets better!
I just read a book called "I am a Mother" by Jane Clayson Johnson that really helped put into perspective being a mom and why it is so important! I would reccommend it to all.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I read about the author of Cathy retiring the comic. I believe one of the main reasons (if not THE reason) was that she wanted to spend more time with her daughter.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you ever have to figure out exactly what you want to be. I think who we are changes all the time and, because of that, who we want to be and what we want to accomplish with our lives changes as well. Ok, SOME people have always known, but there is nothing wrong with not knowing. Too many people fall into a "good enough" rut with their lives and DON'T allow themselves to ask the exact questions you're asking.
Just follow your heart, wherever it takes you. Worse, maybe, than a mother who works too much is a mom who sacrificed everything she was to be a mom. Our biggest jobs as parents (or step-parents, in my case) is to be role models for our kids of how to live a happy and fulfilled life. A life with soul. Because they watch us and they learn from us and we have to teach them, not with what we say, but how we live.
There is nothing wrong, despite the vibes you get that make you feel the way you do, about JUST being a mom, as long as you are also YOU - the full, well-rounded version of you. Judging by this blog, I think you are doing fine.
Why don't you try hiring someone (in a few more months if you're not comfortable yet leaving Sophie) 2 days a week to come in a couple of hours so you can leave (or lock yourself away) - and work on some freelance projects you're passionate about?
If it makes you feel any better, I don't know what I wanna be either :)
Hi Natasha,
ReplyDeleteThis is so funny that I just read this post, especially since I have been going this "crisis" myself. First off, depending on your temperament, you may not be a status quo chick, which I am not either. I truly think that when we do not feel settled with something, then that means we could use that as a learning experience and hopefully, just hopefully we will get a feel for what we truly want – career wise. “They” say the best learning experiences are when we are going through a time that we just don’t feel “right”. I suggest taking this time and figure out what it is that would enable you to feel more fulfilled, or accomplished. I have a 6 yo daughter and would like to have one or two more in the near future. Wait a minute, did I just type that?? OK, maybe in a few years. Over the past month I have thought that I wanted to be an attorney (do I want to be a liar), go to med school (didn’t take chemistry for my undergrad), be an anesthesiologist, and now be a neuropsychologist – I have even contacted my friend who has a PhD in neuroscience! I was just chatting with my OBGYN who was a chef in CA and had two children before she was 30, and then when she was in her early 30s she decided she wanted to go to med school and be an OBGYN, and now she is!! She has been for about 10 years, and even delivered my daughter. I do know from this learning process that I want to do something that makes a difference, is challenging, in control of my own schedule, and if it’s financially rewarding, that’s even better.
I could keep writing, but I know you get my point... I hope that in 10 years from now we are both doing something we consider of value. If I could recommend a website... Google the happiness project - I love Gretchen's work!
Sounds like you're searching for something more. Maybe something to make a difference in someone else's life. Dreams are so important because we shouldn't settle for less. We are here for great things. Have you ever heard of The Team? I don't know. Maybe that's not what you have in mind, but sometimes what we don't have in mind is exactly what we need. Yes, I am a real person, not some spammer, and I have real dreams, too, and sitting here at this desk answering someone else's phone is NOT one of them! lol I'd rather be home making cards!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI hope you get to read this. I am catching up on blogs today, finally, and I saw this post. First, I want to admit that I for some reason thought you were older than me. Not too much older, but I was thinking in the range of 33-34. NO, I do not think you look old! I guess it is because your literary skills are more well written than mine. (I was very great in school at literature, writing, etc. but over the yrs I have just been lazy about it.) Ok, am I digging a very deep hole now or what?!
ReplyDeleteAnyway--I feel the same way as you. But I am not a full time SAHM. I work pt as a cashier, to get medical for my family, bcause my husband is considered "self-employed" and that would be one expensive medical plan! A big part of me wants to stay home full time, but then another wants to return to school and figure it out. (I have some collge, but then had kids and did not finish.) I think in the end, I would rather have some really awesome, well educated kids than a big time career to show. It really is up to you though. I know each person is different and chooses a different path in life. I am sure whatever you decide will be best for you and your family. :-)
Before you know it the kids are in school and you can pursue everything you wanted to but feel the sense of accomplishment that you raised your little ones through the most important developmental years. Good for you!!! I did just that and it's very rewarding.
ReplyDeletei know that you have tons of advise and i'm glad that you wrote this. i tend to feel the same whenever sleep is an issue. *smile* i hate just being a stay at home mommie, though i know i'm SO VERY BLESSED to be able to do that, and while i wouldn't ever give it up for the world, i want more.
ReplyDeletei would love to tell people my major emphasis is stay at home mother, but i minor in _______. be that i would become an artist, or a writer. (both of which i fail miserably at) i love that my main focus is my children. i would just like that 'i am more than the sum of my children'
anyhow, thank you. thank you for sharing that angst that most stay at home moms get. *smile*
Did I black out and write a post on your computer instead of my own?! It is safe to say that so far all I have figured out is that I enjoy coming up with ideas about things and potential jobs. I am not trying to jump from idea to idea it just happens. And like you I was blessed with a husband that just patiently listens and says "go for it...again." I have 2 degress even though I am not the "school type" AT ALL which is further proof of my flip-flopping. But you know what, I really believe that one day one of my ideas is going to be that million dollar idea and will be that missing puzzle piece and I believe all that for you too! And anyone else that hasn't found their "calling" yet. Until then I say enjoy the day dreaming and give yourself a break. After all its a wonder you even have time to think with the fulltime job you are holding down. You know, the one where you don't get any holidays, sick days, bonuses, etc. Who wouldn't dream about an alternate career?! :)
ReplyDeleteSo I got a text message tonight saying have you seen the samstermommy blog? go check it out right now! You will love it! This girl is your kind of girl! SHE WAS SO RIGHT!! After looking and drooling over everyone of your ideas I came to this post and I have to say you are soooo not alone! I feel everything that you typed prob 4 times a week! Hang in there. One day real soon these babies will be all grown and we will all miss the stay at home mommy days. But until then I think it is perfectly fine to dream and to dream big! Because one day when the time is right it will be your turn to shine and the possibilities are endless!
ReplyDeleteI completely know how you feel. I have a BA in Broadcast Journalism. My idea in college was to become an entertainment reporter. Then I landed a job as an Assignment Desk editor and thought I'd work while studying meteorology - here comes the next weather girl! But other opportunities took me down different roads - got married, got out of news since the pay/schedule stunk, moved to Vegas, got back in to news (the desk, again), left it for a law firm, quit that for substitute teaching, and now I'm a mom. This is my favorite job yet, and at the same time, the hardest ever.
ReplyDeleteI wonder sometimes how different my life would be had I sent my resume tape to the small market stations, lived in nowhereville for a few years, and moved up the ladder to a Top 30 market, eventually replacing Kelly Ripa. Seriously, this was my dream. But had I not taken the first job on the Assignment Desk, I would've never met my husband and therefore never had my beautiful son. I'm sure I would've been happy in different ways, but I wouldn't trade where I'm at now for anything.
Not every day is all sunshine, and I still feel a twinge of self consciousness when asked what I do for a living. I hate saying Stay At Home Mom, because of all of the negative connotations that go with it. We're an acronym for pete's sake - SAHM?! The subtext that goes along with that title is usually "wah wah wah ..."! Instead, I like to call myself a Professional Mother, since I have a degree and professional experience. For some reason, the world doesn't give moms justice for the work they accomplish at home, every day and night, working on-call and overtime. Why do daycare workers and nannys get more respect? Because they have a paycheck?
Now that I'm a mom my respect for fellow mothers has multiplied exponentially. I am amazed at how my friends juggle home life with kids, plus some of them are in school or work away from home. I highly recommend getting a copy of Dr. Laura's "In Praise of Stay At Home Moms." Her thoughts were very uplifting and encouraging. She is a mother, too, who also had a professional career. In fact, she doesn't say NOT to work or have your outlets, but to plan those around your family. Being a mother is a noble title and calling. And you're good at it.
Enough from me. Thank you for your thoughts and talents.
WOW!!! Look at the support you have! 57 (I am assuming)anonymous people..commented and gave you support and encouragement! How would you be able to make and document ALL the stuff you make for all of us to enjoy if you were working (outside the home) AND being a mommy! You have a job (and you are doing great at it)..it's to keep us all entertained and believing you have the most perfect life ever. Please let those of us (who's lives are ...well..so super crappy) believe there is a good life out there..somewhere.. Don't leave! don't go to work, "mommy"..stay home...BLOG. haha.
ReplyDeleteI think human beings just have a simple need to feel productive and to always be growing and learning. And being a stay at home mom [which i am] is definitely monotonous. Every day is painfully the same and yet vastly different. I feel very fortunate to be able to stay home. Its what I've always wanted to do. But I too feel a little embarrassed when someone asks what I do to earn a living. "umm... I don't." ? I just try to remind myself that while I am lucky to have this job, that doesn't make it any easier. It's bloody hard.
ReplyDeletep.s. does it bug you when people suddenly comment on a post from the past? I am new to your blog and finding all theses things I want to respond to!